Ned "Superman" Snyder

Writing on this Blog

2011-12-13T10:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Ned and the Blogosphere,

I've decided that I am going to keep up this blog. I may have to rename it

because it is not so much about Ned anymore, and more about my life.

I don't want to pretend that I'm writing about my brother. It would be

awesome if I could keep that up, but I can't.

Ultimately, it is about the living, how we go on, how we take action to

be happy, to participate in living.

The theme of superman and the supernatural appeals to me though...

You have become bigger than life. We look to you know for guidance

from the beyond and pretend that you respond when we come up with

ideas by the very act of trying to correspond with you.

I'm not talking about a Ouija board of anything like that. I'm talking about

just basic, human communication with the dead through our thoughts.

A Kind of WWND (What Would Ned Do) taking a bit further.

There are so many ideas I had when I first created this. It was as though

a new community would form from the blog. In some ways it has.

In other ways the life that Ned knew has changed drastically so much

so that he wouldn't recognize it.

Ned your son is six years old now. I look forward to seeing him at Xmas.

Your wife is an amazing mother and she looks forward, participates in her

community and family and carries on.

I miss you so much and I guess what this blog was supposed to do was

to fill that abysss, the ache that I feel and my family feels from not having

you around.

It is hard to deal with that absence, with the presence of your absence

at the house, especially at the holidays.

Last year we wrote a few stories. This year I will think of something....

That's all for now. Gotta run.

Love,

Wendy

Dear Ned

2011-11-07T11:26:00.000-08:00

I miss you today. It's my 45th birthday and you would be here to celebrate if things had gone differently.

You'd probably send me a coffee card on the last birthday you were around. You'd call and try to sing or just leave a message. . All the happiness and gratefulness I feel combines with the sadness of not being able to share with you, spend time with you. Wherever your energy has gone in the universe, I connect with now to remember, to never forget. You are loved so very much. You will always be a part of my being. I love you.

As you said, Let's "dream big dreams."

Your sister,

Wendy

Vicki and Shaan

2011-06-07T10:43:00.000-07:00

Everyone has their own way of commemorating important dates. The strange thing about a birthday for someone who is gone is that it used to be joyous. Now it is filled with memories, sorrow, longing and also, in this case, the energy and passion of the loved one who is gone.

Vicki and Shaan will go to Ned's favorite restaurant in Elk Grove and have an ice cream cookie cake with a candle. Shaan also got a balloon with a "Love You" note that he will let go into the sky.

Remembering You on Your Birthday

2011-06-07T07:41:00.000-07:00

Another bald-headed baby, the first boy. Later you'd sprout the white blond curls. I remember Grandma had to stay with us while mom and dad went away. She was kind of stern, but the excitement came out through the timbre of her voice. What do I remember? I was barely two and a half, but something about wood panel walls of the house, the door opening, the wrapped tight bundle, the soft coos and carefulness of the grown-ups. It was a special time and this was our little brother.

I don't remember if they let me hold him even as I would be sitting on a lap with someone holding me. I do remember talking to you, your special milk cup, and later your little chubby fingers that you stuck into the little round oat pieces of cereal (ok, Cheerios).

But when you first arrived, it was the power of you, the tiny round Buddha face, all of us gathered around you waiting for you to tell us what to do. Keep life going, you say. Love life, you say. The eternal struggle. We love you.

Omar Ahmad Rest in Peace

2011-05-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

Our hearts go out to Omar's family, friends, colleagues and the city of San Carlos for such a terrible loss. My brother Ned, who passed away in a plane crash three years ago, gave flying lessons to Omar. They also shared laughter and cigars. They had a lot in common in that they were both well-loved.

Ned's Laugh

2011-04-18T23:23:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZhOa2n2bFI

Three Years Ago

2011-04-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

Today was not what I had hoped for. There were too many of life's daily problems that intervened - car problems, getting from point A to point B.

And yet, we watched the Moments with Ned video compilation that I put together two years ago from Vicki and Ned's video footage. It was so wonderful to see him and hear his laugh while he played with, danced with and kissed his little boy Shaan. Five year old Shaan enjoyed watching and the love and light of his father reached him from those precious past moments.

Our Dad spread out a beautiful display of photos of his son on the dining room table, from the chubby baby to the toe-headed kid to the awkward teen to the handsome father and husband with his family.

I got to look for lizards with Shaan around the yard and talk to him about letters, trains and friends.

I got to be around Vicki who carries on with such powerful grace, bringing the love and commitment of her and Ned's partnership fully to their son in the most responsible, conscious and caring way.

I light a candle for you Ned. In this brief moment, on this foreboding day that marks when we lost you from the Earth, I commune with your spirit and bring it into my heart once again.

I will always love you and look for you in my dreams always.

Poem for Superman

2011-04-18T22:56:00.000-07:00

Posted on Ned's dear friend Matt Menard's Facebook notes:

This poem from W.H. Auden describes in part how I felt 3 yrs ago today:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;

For nothing now can ever come to any good

Joni Mitchell - Little Green

2011-03-13T21:57:00.000-07:00

For Tyler Orsow, Chuck Kimes and the Others

2011-03-02T07:11:00.000-08:00

Tyler Orsow, son of Terry Campbell, one of the owners and operators of Norcal Aviation that Ned owned for a brief time, passed away in a plane crash on Sunday, February 27th.

Also, Chuck Kimes, who coordinates the Clearlake Splash-in, passed away in the crash as did two others. Once I find out the names, I will post them.

Our hearts go out to her and Mike and to everyone they touched. This song that Ned and so many loved so well performed by IZ, goes out to her and everyone who is suffering. Of course, I have to say that it also goes out to the people of Hawaii, who suffer from too-early death oppression on their own islands.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1bFr2SWP1I

Here are some of the details of the crash:

http://www.recordnet.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20110301/A_NEWS/110309998

Sharing Memories

2011-01-01T07:53:00.000-08:00

On Christmas morning I gathered memories of Ned from many of us. Let me know if you want to share your story. It doesn't have to be about Christmas. Email wsnyder510@gmail.com

***********

When I remember Christmas as a child, it always starts off with little brother Ned's excited patter of feet to the end of the hallway to my bedroom at about 6am.

"Wendy, you got a bike!" and he would give away the surprise. I didn't mind. That excitement was the best part of it all.
************

When Ned was 5 or 6 years old, he found a special gift at the Los Gatos Safway. He bought me a pack of sponges. This year I wrapped three gifts of sponges for Vicki, Nancy and Wendy in remembrance of Ned.

Mom

***********

My Love

2005 was our happiest Christmas of our lives because we got the most precious, amazing and wonderful gift, exactly 15 days before - our son Shaan. I remember you being so happy and excited. You surprised us with a clean house, balloons, dinner and everything in between. We had that Christmas at our home but my best and favorite gift beside us was those diamond earrings that came with a huggable bear.

I will forever miss you, my love, but you are close to my heart and your son's heart always and forever.

Your wife and son

***************

Oh how I miss you my bro! I think about you often - your zest for life, your sense of humor, your laugh, and your awesome cooking!
I try to carry all that was so positive about you through my life and enjoy being a part of your family! I remember walking the neighborhood and caroling with you the last Christmas you were with us, the cold night air punctuated with your giddy laughter!
Cheers to you, my brother -in-law!
Ron

***************

Driving home for Christmas, we passed the airport in Sonoma County. This brings memories of Ned. My brother had planned to skydive and ask Vicki for her hand in marriage. He was picking up Dave and I at the airport so we could attend. Being afraid of heights, I was not planning on jumping out of an airplane. After twenty to thirty minutes of travel, Ned had convinced me that I needed to jump. I did and it was fun and scarier than anything right before you leave the plane. But Ned had a way with words and I'm glad I did it. I miss him everyday and try to remember that sometimes we have to face our fears head on.

Nancy

***************

I got up to go to Piedmont Hills High School to teach - and NO CAR.

"Bobbie, where is my car?"

"Oh, Ned borrowed it."

"Well, where did he go?"

And just about then, here comes Ned with several other guys. I asked, "Where have you been?"

"Oh, we just jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. That is, we bungy jumped off the bridge."

"Good grief," said I. "You could have been arrested or worse."

Ned said they crawled out on the bridge in the middle of the night and made their jump at night.
Thankfully, no one was hurt or arrested. What a kid.

Dad & Papa

Shaan and Papa's Birthdays

2010-12-12T22:15:00.000-08:00

It's something special that Shaan and his Papa practically share a birthday (Dec 10 and 11).

Vicki put together a big celebration at the Party Palace in Elk Grove. Even some of us grown-ups jumped and slid around in the jumpers!

Ned, you would have loved it. We sure missed you. Your boy is such a wonderful little guy.

Music for the Family

2010-10-10T20:38:00.001-07:00

Thank you Berta Rojas for dedicating your beautiful rendition of the song, "Mother" to my mother and her lost son. I could not find a video online for the song, but you can find the music on the CD "Cielo Abierto" or "Open Sky."

It was a powerful experience being at your concert and for my daughter Jasmine to play and learn with you. Thank you dad and the South Bay Guitar Society for making all this happen.

I am going to write to Berta directly, but wanted to share some of her beautiful music on the blog.
Click here for "El Ultimo Canto" or "The Last Song." That's how we will always remember you, Ned, with a great sadness and nostalgia but with so much beauty and love for you.

My Dear Brother

2010-07-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

Thank you for the love and strength that you brought to my life that continues on.

When times are challenging (and they are now), I remember the lesson that your life and death has brought to me - that our stint on this planet is limited even as we must pursue our dreams as though there were no limits - this is the exhilarating and painful contradiction. Feels like time inside a dream that takes place in reality within a few minutes (ok, so now you know what movie I just saw.) where the dreamer can be aware of the dreaming but still feel the reality of the dream before waking up to the "real" reality.

You taught others to "Dream Big Dreams," as you wrote and printed on the CD sharing your songs. At times it doesn't feel like you are gone because your presence is part of the background of who I am. That's what is so confusing and mind-bending. That's what it means to be a sibling, and I thank Elizabeth DeVita Raeburn for helping me understand that with her book The Empty Room.

I am interested in making a shift from always having the feeling of loss - the brother I don't have, the father Shaan doesn't have, the son, husband and friend, gone - to something I can carry with me wherever I go that reminds me of the gift, the light that shines in me that shone in you. I'm still looking for that thing. It may very well be a physical thing, a totem, that I can find that becomes that symbol of you, not only watching over us sometimes, but traveling with us, with me as I navigate the bumpy roads and air space on this journey.

Love,
Your Sister Wendy

With Love From Vicki

2010-06-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

It took me a long time to write here, as you know I am not an easy person to have my feelings out.
There has not been a day that I have not thought of you, and it doesn't get any easier as days go by. My soul still looks for you in dreams.

My love for you is far greater than space and time. I know I can feel it in the deepest part of my soul. I have not loved another like I love you and never will. I missed you today. It was Father's Day at Shaan's pre-school. Mehal went. I wish so much that things were different, that you were here but I know it's not. That doesn't mean I am not living my life. I love my life and it has a lot to do with your son Shaan. Thank you for the greatest gift you have given me in this life, not just your son but your love for me, your strength, your laughter and your love for life/food. Your love is the light that signs within me. I know one day we will be together where the blue birds fly under the rainbow......Your wife Vicki

Your Birthday

2010-06-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Ned,

We will be thinking of you all day.

Wish you were here.

I'll write more later.

Love,

Wendy and your family

Missing Grandma

2010-05-12T23:34:00.000-07:00

Grandma said goodbye to us a year ago today. She joined Ned in the mist of memory, clouds and stars, and everything untouchable that touches us.

She was a presence, her phone number etched into my brain like one of its synapses, connecting the present to the past and then back again.

Mom talked to her every day. She and Ned had a connection. He would call and they would talk, talk, talk and talk.

The missing of her makes the missing of Ned burn more. A thickness of grief again that clouds the mind. Breathing helps, laughing helps, remembering the ring of both of their laughter cuts through to a clearer, truer image of who they were and how they made their impression on us.
We love you grandma. Ned loved you so much. I think I said goodbye to you for him as I was sitting there if I remember correctly. You couldn't talk but I think you knew what I was saying.
Thank you for everything.

Early Thoughts

2010-05-07T05:08:00.001-07:00

on a trail of chapparal, ferns strewn out over a hill above a water trickle, traveling through the trick of sunlight green as the earth sinks our feet through its thick black, red mud

young girls climb up unpoisoned oaks forcing the echo of laughter in the small canyon as we watch them from shaded stumps: a moment when our joy is embraced by the branch arms surrounding and our voices are hallowed in the trees like the bird chirping finding a soft staccato in the middle of the hillside song

these moments bring grace, a portal to the beyond, a togetherness we rarely know through the precise content of our essays and bring the brilliance of remembrance, a place to go in our mind's eye and bring to the conversation at a future date

the magic of 13

how lucky we are

(My daughter Jasmine turned 13 on Sunday and we took a hike up the Huckleberry path near the Sibley Preserve in the Oakland hills)

Two Years

2010-04-18T12:20:00.001-07:00

Today at the house, it is good to just be together with Vicki and Shaan for the two year anniversary. Mom was already up here for a few days and I took the train up yesterday.

Vicki made some salmon, rice, salad with mango salsa.
Ryan came over for a beer.

This morning, we walked to Starbuck's in the morning where Ned used to go.
We went to the park and threw around the power ranger frisbee. We ran around the house and played with racing cars.

We looked out old pictures from the weddings.
Mom planted some flowers - a pink cyclamen - out front.

Others, I'm sure, are marking this day doing things with friends and family or just doing the mundane things of living life.

Wish you were here, Ned.

Getting Rid of Fear

2010-04-14T04:43:00.000-07:00

When David Gray came out with his new album and I heard the song "Fugitive," I was moved because I knew that if Ned were around, he would be listening to it and digging it.

I just looked up the lyrics and the video and it moved me to tears because it is so much like Ned's philosophy. I know that my brother was always struggling to conquer his fears and I'm sure he struggled at the bitter end not to throw up his hands. (That's the most difficult place for my mind to go.)

But really the song is about letting go of that fear and embracing life, getting out of our individual holes. Ned always strived to do that.

Here are the lyrics and watch the video for the full effect:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REeqmxBJVm0

Fugitive by David Gray

Yeah yeah

Is the answer none of the above
Crouched in a whole like a mud-streaked fugitive
And everyday a different version of
Pourin it away like a water through a sieve

Hey better realize my friend
Love in the end now you can't take it with
Gotta live

If only for a second
I see a twinklin in your eye
Gotta try

Well its flesh and blood and camaflouge
Paint it to the wall now somethings gotta give
Just another right to sabatoge
Seein through the eyes of a mind-rot sedative

When will you realize my friend
Love in the end now you cant take it with
Gotta live

If only for a second
I see a twinklin in your eye
Gotta try
The one that you're forsaken
Surely more than just a lie
Gotta try
Yeah

When will you realize my friend
Love in the end now you can't take it with
Gotta live

If only for a second
I see a twinklin in your eye
Gotta try
The one that you're forsaken
Surely more than just a lie
Gotta try
It's for the taken
And you know not to testify
Gotta try
Everyday is a different version of

Now remember (or maybe you didn't know), Ned played David Gray songs when he staged the proposal to Vicki. He had a big boom box playing "Sail Away" and "Babylon" and other songs.

He did his jump and then Vicki came down. Ned had changed into a white tux and gotten down on his knees to propose.

Talk about conquering fear and embracing life.

I will always love my brother. This song reminds me not to despair at his death (that is so hard not to do) but to get out there and live. Love you Ned. Thank you David Gray.

It is Raining in My Heart

2010-04-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

After a wonderful spring break of the family Easter gathering, a trip to the beach, the amusement park and birthday celebrations for Ron and our friend and comrade Bill, the rain pours down, the wind chills and we have limited time to get ready for back to school, back to work, back to crazy busyness.

That's when the words of this 19th century French poet Paul Verlaine come to my mind.

(I studied French for 8 years of my life so forgive me if I sound pretentious.)

l pleure dans mon coeur
Comme il pleut sur la ville

Literally, it translates to "it rains in the town as it rains in my heart."

The French verbs for crying - pleurer and raining - pleuvoir are so similar that they become one in the same.

One week from today it will have been two years since the plane crash. The terrible reality of losing our brother, friend, son, father, life partner hits us like it did when we first got the news.

For Vicki, it's the reality on a minute by minute basis, there is no forgetting. For my parents, it's the unnatural disaster of losing a child. For me, it's the near daily realization that Ned is not on some long trip or that it has just been a long time since we have talked. Sometimes there's this forgetting that occurs through dreaming. He visits me when I sleep and I wake up with the reality of him gone. Sometimes it is just going through life with that subconscious background knowledge that he is there for me to talk to and then the harsh slap in the face that his life here on Earth is over.

It is raining in my heart just like it is raining outside, relentless gray, cold damp with no sun in sight. We miss you Ned. Time for a good cry.

Back from Hibernation

2010-04-04T06:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a lot longer than I had anticipated. I took a break from writing on the blog, in part because I was super busy starting my new job and in part maybe on a subconscious level I wanted to keep my reflections and thoughts more private. Call it a move to conserve energy during the always unexpected California winter chill. Call it a way to preserve my energy at time when our immune systems are down and we are sun-deprived and fighting the inevitable pull of depression that comes with the long darker days of rain and clouds.

Whatever it was that made me hibernate from writing, I am glad that is over.

Today is Easter, always a bizarre holiday to me since we are not religious. I never understood how Jesus could just wake up from being dead in a flash of light from the heavens or something. I will forever think of the oversized bunny suit with that fake painted smile on it creeping out all the kids at Grandma's senior center as the kids dash to "find" all the fake candy scattered about the courtyard. I miss you Grandma, but don't miss that bizarre experience.

Today we are going to mom's house. Nancy and her family will be there. Vicki and Shaan won't as she has to work. I am hoping we can get up to Sac this week to see them. As usual, there will be a hole in all of our hearts as we prepare the meal and sit down to eat. Dad will make a toast to Ned. We won't have any particular traditions around Easter or around remembering Ned, but we'll be together.

I just finished a book called Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. It's "a father's journey through his son's addiction." I couldn't put it down, even though, being a parent of an almost teenager, it freaked me out.

I read it mostly because of the familiarity of it - what my family went through with my sister's addiction.

I thought it was a beautiful testament to a father's undying and also crippling love for his son. Funny thing is that both the author and his son spoke at the Athenian School when I was substitute teaching there one day two years ago. I looked it up and it was two weeks before Ned's accident. I can't remember if I couldn't go hear them because of the schedule that day or what was going on. It was pretty crazy that the dad had a brain hemorrhage - literally an explosion in his brain.

After reading the book, I love this family. They live in our neck of the woods, so to speak. I also just realized that I read the Playboy interview that David Sheff wrote with John Lennon and Yoko Ono back in 1980 just months before he was shot and killed. I was 14 years old and that Christmas, my dad gave me that interview (I thought it was a book, though) and I got the album "Starting Over." The title of his book is from the song, "Beautiful Boy" on that album where Lennon sings to his then four-year-old son Sean. Now when I think of it, I think of my brother and how much he loved being a father to his Shaan. Anyhow, I am into the degrees of separation.

Here is a quote from the book that I particularly liked. The whole book is a focus on his love for his amazing son. This quote is from when father David is recovering but I think it can apply to anyone in life, recovering or healing from trauma or grief.

"I am getting out more now. I take long walks in the solitary, mysterious woods, tranquil and silent, and see more intensely the color - still more greens, an infinite number, and the shoots and buds on the woody branches before they open. I see a darting rabbit and, overhead, red-tailed hawks, great blue herons, and an osprey. God or no god, this barely ponderable and impossible-to-understand system of complexity and beauty is profound enough to feel like a miracle. Consciousness feels like a miracle. The constellation of these impulses that we call love feels like a miracle...."

Today I welcome in that miraculous complexity. I wonder a lot about addition, recovery, life death, rebirth and transformation and how the world outside all of our private worlds relates. There's another quote in the book about the struggle to connect with others - the difficulty and necessity of it. I wonder about the alienation of white society and how to articulate this dire need for us to connect but to struggle against a world that has falsely separated us from and put us at odds with humanity. More later.

Looking forward to the salmon, yams and greens, the chocolate ice cream cake for Ron, the walk on the muddy horse trail surrounding my parents' home where Ned's spirit lives amongst us. We will always miss you and you will always wake up our spirits and remind us of the miracle of life.

Another Year Over and a New One Just Begun...

2009-12-18T19:03:00.000-08:00

As time goes by the memories are so important.

Here is a picture from Christmas two years ago and a link to more memories here.

Here are pictures that Shaleen took of Shaan's 4th birthday party.

And, Vicki just posted 75 pictures on Facebook of Ned, Vicki and Shaan.

As soon as I download all the pictures, I'll be able to share those here too.

Finally, since this is the season of giving and of peace.......

Many of you know about my involvement with Uhuru (which means freedom in Swahili) for African self-reliance, which I believe will make a better world.

Uhuru Pies is something that my family participates in every year when I bring the pies to the holiday table. It is a fundraiser to support the African Village Survival Initiative and Uhuru House programs in the U.S. and in West Africa. You can find out more about ordering the pies here.

If you don't need a pie, you can purchase one to be donated to a holiday meal for families in need in Oakland, San Francisco and Santa Cruz. If you order one, put my name (Wendy) in the comments, so I get credit. :)

Ned continues to inspire me to stand up for what I believe in in a way that is thoughtful and compassionate. Thanks Ned for helping me do that. I miss you.

Happy Holidays everyone. Wishing you lightness and love during this season.

November 18th

2009-11-18T21:37:00.001-08:00

I just replaced the background picture of this blog. I had left the image of Cherry Lake up there for too long and missed seeing Ned's smiling face.

The sadness that struck me when the small jpeg that I uploaded expanded into an almost life sized image of Ned with Shaan was piercing. The sorrow doesn't lessen with time's solemn march, it almost expands into hidden crevices waiting to escape out into consciousness.

Here is a poem that I just found on a website about books about grieving:

Sorrow

She rises out of nowhere, like a wave from the sea,
Slowly at first, silently, then crests and peaks;
Still I have a choice
I can turn away, go to work, watch a movie, play a game…

But I know sorrow well.
Though I turn away, she will wait,
perfectly patient,
until I am still,
then crush me with all her accumulated power.

Once I had angry walls to shut her out,
But her incessant pounding tore them down.
So now, when she rises,
I turn to her and say,
Here I am, I know you, sorrow.
She crashes on my shoreline,
And sorrow and I are one
Until, trailing frothy whitecaps,
She sweeps away.

P. G. White

Day of the Dead

2009-11-01T20:07:00.000-08:00

Dia de los Muertos is such a beautiful holiday that the indigenous peoples of the so-called Americas celebrate, taking time to honor the dead and also find humor in life and death.

It is that type of humor that I think will carry us through. It is not the self-centered sadness that presumes that this is not a deeply universal human experience. It is also not just about having fun and dressing up like skeletons, ghouls, witches, mummies and all the various kinds of Halloween costumes. (Although I love Halloween and there's lots more to say about that.)

Since the holiday lasts through November 2nd, more thoughts on Day of the Dead tomorrow, a celebration that thousands of people participate in throughout these lands on tomorrow.

A Year and a Half

2009-10-18T21:52:00.001-07:00

I am just now getting to this blog post... somehow appropriate since it is now Day of the Dead.

The beauty of blogs are that you can bookmark dates and then write as though you were writing from that date, only at a later date. I have no idea why that is important other than I wouldn't want the 18th to pass by without having written from that vantage point. Strange and stupid, isn't it?

I have had several dreams about my brother. In fact, I woke up on the 18th having a bizarre dream that I was carrying his body on my back. He wasn't alive and had shrunken in size, almost like he was at a younger age in life. His eyes were closed and I was to register his body with some kind of office. This would allow me to carry him around with me and have him close to me.

There was another woman who was also carrying a loved one on her back. We were like medical students studying the dead, only we weren't going to dissect the corpses; we were only to have them close to us and somehow learn from them for a time.

The year and a half felt for me like a milestone of sorts. The first year was definitely the hardest and going into the second year is hard in a different way. There is pressure to be normal in an already abnormal society. There is pressure to move forward in a society that denies death, funds deadly wars and at the same time attempts to deny us the ability to connect with the history that brought us to this present.

This is what we have to take the time to do. This is what will keep us moving forward.

Playtime with Shaan

2009-09-20T20:33:00.000-07:00

Got to spend a little time with Shaan. Bouncing balls. Petting the cat named Boo. Watching him jump into the pool over and over and over. He's coming into his own. Can you see transformation from baby roundness to lean and mature?

He recently told his mom that he was mad at Dada because he never came back. Vicki explained that he didn't mean to go away and that he would understand when he got older.

This child is wise beyond years and thanks to the bold, strong love that brought him into the world and raised him for the critical first years of the life and the strength, care, love and passion that his mother has so tremendously carried forward through her grief and mourning and through the daily struggles of being a single parent, he will grow into an incredible man like his father. I am so thankful to be a part of it.

We missed our sister this weekend and her family. We missed Grandma too and sometimes I have to remind myself how recent that this monumental loss has been. Our hearts have been torn inside out and yet we carry on sometimes as if life didn't burn and sting us down through our core.

Thank you Shaan for your incessant energy and lightness that you bring. You propel us forward. Pun intended.

Eagle Poem by Joy Harjo

2009-09-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

This poem has been one of my favorite's in the past.

I went to a Yoga class today (one of my prizes from the Poison Apple Pie benefit) and the breathing and movement in the class reminded me of this poem. Of course, being a person conscious of her relationship as an indigenous to this land, Harjo has a special attention and connection to the earth and its beings.

Here is for our strong remembrance of Ned, on the eighteenth of the month, the day (17 months ago) that perhaps he joined the birds in the sky.

Eagle Poem

To pray you open your whole self
To sky, to earth, to sun, to moon
To one whole voice that is you.
And know there is more
That you can't see, can't hear
Can't know except in moments
Steadily growing, and in languages
That aren't always sound but other
Circles of motion.
Like eagle that Sunday morning
Over Salt River. Circles in blue sky
In wind, swept our hearts clean
With sacred wings.
We see you, see ourselves and know
That we must take the utmost care
And kindness in all things.
Breathe in, knowing we are made of
All this, and breathe, knowing
We are truly blessed because we
Were born, and die soon, within a
True circle of motion,
Like eagle rounding out the morning
Inside us.
We pray that it will be done
In beauty.
In beauty.

~ Joy Harjo ~

Me and Shaan

2009-09-08T14:37:00.000-07:00

On Today, the 18th

2009-08-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

This time I only had an hour to get to my quiet destination and I chose to run down the Big Trees Trail for fifteen minutes before turning around and climbing up the wet, red brown earth shaded by redwoods.

This time I found a soft mossy stump in the middle of a small circle clearing. The quiet chirping of birds and gentle breeze in the foreground, the hushed roar of the city below like a strong, continuous wave that never hits shore.

There's that electric buzz again of an unnamed insect and an airplane perhaps taking off from the Oakland airport.

Last night (no joke), I had a dream that I was stationed at the front of a small airplane. I was holding onto part of the wing that had come undone. I had seen a nut and bolt drop to the ground just before landing. It was as though I knew it was going to happen and prepared for it. Only in a dream....

Last week (Aug 13th) Jasmine and I met Logan who took us to meet Kathleen Cunningham. It was good to make this connection with her. She wanted to see pictures from the crash site, some images that I had never seen, the little plane unrecognizable, collapsed floaters into wings into front propellers, like a busted up toy on the mountainside.

She appreciated getting together and she is part of the Ned family that has grown from this terrible loss of Ned and her husband Dave.

Dave took 90 pictures before and during their flight on that fateful day and the camera survived. There are pictures of the flight Ned took with Mike Schneider, then of the flight Ned and Dave took together. The stream of pictures end when the terrain turns from the lower to the higher mountain, the granite below dotted with redwoods.

Logan presented Kathleen with a picture of the plaque for Ned and Dave. Last month Logan led a pilgrimage, this time with Dan Rau and Henry Diaz to the crash site, this time able to cross the riverbed, now dried up from the rains and snowmelt and put the plaque in its proper place.

Ned's friend Alisa Hagerty went up at the end of July into what she called "Ned country" one week later to pay her respects to the site, to Ned and to the wondrous beauty of the Cherry Lake area.

This place in front of me now - calm and cool with the tree shelter above and roots below in the rich warm earth reminds me of the dust that we are, stardust, particles of energy engaged in an extravagant dance on this earth for a short while. (Thanks Cat Stevens).

It's filled with our family and our family is as large as we want to make it, can include entire communities of people, earth spaces, flora and fauna. (We can't forget that big fat dog Klaus that was everywhere Ned was.)

As always, thank you Ned for this gift you have given us. We hate not seeing you and not having you here with us but we love the memories that you gave us. They are as real and present as ever.

July 18th Prayer in the Redwoods

2009-07-19T07:23:00.000-07:00

Sometime in the future I will make the pilgrimage up to Cherry Lake like the June 7th crew and like the many dear friends who will go there, ongoing to remember Ned. But saving on gas, time and money, I drove a few miles up the hill from where we live.

It took 45 minutes to get to the service and the whole thing only lasted 25 minutes.

However, these are the thoughts I noted from the moments under the shade of the redwoods up at Joaquin Miller Park in the Oakland hills.

Today I am blue water flowing forcefully around rocks and branches of trees. I am blue dreaming like the sky peeking through the redwoods as I lay on the red brown dirt.

This place is heaven. This place is a temple, a church, a prayer service smelling of oak, sequoia, eucalyptus and earth. This electric buzz of insects, the intermittent chirping of brids, the distant hush of cars on Skyline Blvd are all a part of it.

This green canopy protects me, preserved in my mind's weakness like a shield.

I am this, not just part of it, not just connected to it through sun and air, but I am this thick gnarl of branches and spiral of limbs feathered in green, the silence and the stillness when I stop to listen.

The vast range of redwoods and then the climb to the hard granite beds, those same elements embraced that fallen plane, looked upon the metal, bones and flesh as one of its own, sat in stillness after the loudness, the rush of wind hopefully softening to watch the wreckage break, the strange lack of motion on the sharp sunlit slope.

Today is a day of prayer at Vicki's, a prayer for the continuation of life, an appreciation for the sun and planet, a prayer to recognize the strength of Vicki and Ned's son and help make harmony where there is turmoil and discord.

I chose to find my own place of quiet appreciation today and after less than a half hour on the Big Trees and Sequoia Bay View trail, I found a place I will visit again, a place that transports and then grounds me in a way to be in the world, keeping my brother with me all the time. I am stronger as a result.

Thank you blue water tears. Thank you blue sky. Thank you earth. I am still angry at you, wind, but I will learn to respect and accept you in time.

Mid-Summer Thoughts

2009-07-10T21:36:00.000-07:00

It's nearing the middle of the summer and it's time to check in, take stock and reflect a little on what we've been doing. As you can see by what my memory has been able to recall, the answer is, not too much. Trying to figure out the rest of it. So many plans colliding. I want to do everything and nothing at the same time! Of course, we are restricted by time, space and a frighteningly tight budget.

I had hoped to be able to get up to Sacramento more to be with Vicki and Shaan more often. But then, the summer is not over.

Mostly, the summer has been filled with some special moments with friends and neighbors and meeting and getting to know new Uhuru volunteers. And Poison Apple Pie rocked!

Another thing is that it is finally hitting me hard how much I need and miss my sister Nancy. She lives far away and seeing her and her family for one afternoon made me realize how much I have missed her all these years since she moved away. She moved away in another sense for a number of years and the whole family couldn't reach her and we all hurt from it. However, she is back and my sister is there living her life and I love her so much! It is not like I didn't as much before but I guess when you lose one sibling, you realize just how precious (in my case) the one you have left is to you. There are so many different reasons that perhaps I suppress this, one of them being that we are so alike. And, that we are both sisters who have lost our brother and sometimes it is the hardest to see the reflection of the same type of sadness in yourself in another.

Ned would have wanted us to come together and his presence is strong when we are with each other.

June

12-18

Boardwalk and beach with kids, mom, dad, Vicki and Shaan

Uhuru events and Fairfax festival

Ted Vincent

Banana Splitz party at the Creamery for Grandma

Mural "tour" in the SF Mission with Aaren

Swimming at "The Hills"

19-25

Gathering at the house

Summer Solstice party at Fike's

Father's day at mom and dad's - planted tree

Kids getting bored

26-2

Skatepark

Michael Jackson

Emmalee back from Guatemala

SF Pride Fest

Visit with Nancy, Dave and Nicole

Poison Apple Pie Practice & Performance

July

3-10

Grand Lake Farmers Market

Hike for Lisa's birthday

Jasmine's haircut

Temescal Pool

Reggae Rising meetings

Skatepark

Sleepovers

It has been a slow summer, a lazy, sleeping in summer and at the same time a summer of struggle for solidarity. It is a summer of sadness for lost stars - known and not so known.

Father's Day

2009-06-21T22:46:00.000-07:00

Spent the day with my dad and mom at their house. We swam, planted a tree for Grandma and Ned and ate dad's BBQ chicken and mom's salad.

Ron went up to Nevada City to watch Lance Armstrong (his father's day treat).

Didn't get to see Vicki and Shaan today but left a message for them.

Thank you Matt Menard for calling my dad. He was really moved by that.

Shaan, you just have to watch one of those videos of your Dada dancing with you to know how much he loved you. You will always have that. We all miss him so much and can't begin to describe the ache in our hearts. It was great to be with you at the Boardwalk last week and we look forward to more fun with you this summer.

A Meal for Grandma

2009-06-16T09:24:00.000-07:00

Today we are joining Mom, Uncle Jack, cousins and Grandma's group, "The Banana Splits" at the Creamery in Castro Valley.

This is a picture of Ned, Vicki and Shaan having a meal with Grandma at Favorite Indian Restaurant in Hayward.

This was a place that I got a chance to go to both with Grandma and with Ned. Of course, what is great is the "all you can eat" lunch buffet.

Ned Fam, Friends and Fans

2009-06-08T13:12:00.000-07:00

Overall, the weekend was really special and Ned would have loved it.

Saturday I got a surprise visit from Alisa Hagerty and her boyfriend Alex. She drove over to Oakland from Livermore to just give a hug on Ned's birthday. She had been planning on going up to Cherry Lake but due to the weather reports had to change her plans. So I got to see her!

Alisa flew with Ned at SkyWest and they were great friends. She has shared a couple of her stories with me and I hope to publish an edited version of them on this blog. It was wonderful to see her and make plans for future gatherings.

That night, two thirds of my daughter's band, Poison Apple Pie, played at the 20th anniversary for the MOCHA Museum of Children's Art in Oakland. Earlier that day, my budding artist son and I went to the open studios for the Pro Arts Gallery and met cool community artists.

On Sunday, the kids and I picked up Mom at Jack London Square train station. She made the ride from San Jose to Oakland. We drove to Elk Grove and at the house on Laguna Oaks, we played in the pool, ate cherries (well some people picked them from the tree behind the pool) and made and watched the movie, "Moments with Ned," and cried. Thais, Ryan, Maya and Zoe came over from two doors down. Mom, Chandra came too.

Mehal fired up the grill and cooked the delicious Tandoori chicken that Vicki and Sweetie prepared along with green salad, corn salad and mashed potatoes and for some of us, Sierra Nevada Pale Ales.

Later on , Shaan blew out the candles on the Superman cake for "Dada" that I made with help from Betty and Duncan (Crocker and Hines that is).

Most of the Cherry Lake crew came back to share some dinner and brew at the house and will have many stories to tell us about their adventure in the wilderness in honor of Ned in what will be an ongoing tradition.

I have been assured that the Ned Snyder Lives Blog has at least a handful of readers and so this blog will continue. (The readers can become writers too. Hint. Hint. Just email me.) Thank you for reading.

We missed you Nancy, Dave, Nicole and Dad and others.

Thank you everyone for all the love.

Ned Lives!

P.S. I am moderating the comments to this blog so if your comment doesn't appear right away, don't worry. I'm weeding out the horribly nasty reactionaries who have attacked my blogs with their vile and hate.

Ned's 40th Birthday

2009-06-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Ned,

We miss you so much, especially today when it would have been nice to be celebrating with all your friends and family with you there laughing and joking. Instead we are getting together anyways without you. We'll cook, eat cake and the crew that went up to Cherry Lake - Ron, Logan, Vince, Dan R., Dan H., Mike, Jenny and Jeff, (I think that is it?) will come back to tell us about the beauty of that place where you left us here on Earth.

The grief is still raw. I told Diane at Bakesale Betty's this morning about you and broke into tears. She asked me if Uhuru was having a booth at the Temescal Streetfair and I told her that today was your 40th. She gave me a free coffee ;) and told me about losing her brother David. Everyone has a story to share. But everyone's story is the central one to them.

You will always be a part of my life long after you have been gone. I regret not seeing you more and having more conversations and laughs. I regret not being able to share in raising our kids together. You have been so much a part of our lives - the birthday parties and holidays. I have the video of the last time that we saw you and you took each of us up in the plane.

You are so special to us and will be forever in our hearts. I know it sounds trite, but there is no other way to say it. Thanks for the memories. Thanks for the movies. We will dream big dreams for you.

Love,

Wendy and all of us

Spending Time with My Brother

2009-06-04T23:32:00.000-07:00

I have no idea if anyone reads these blog posts anymore. My love for my brother hasn't diminished at all just because I haven't been posting. In fact, Ned has taught me so much. With his life and because of his death, I can see clearly that he was someone who was present in life.

I'm not saying that this is the quality that everyone should have. I do believe that some people are on this earth to analyze the past and inform us of the recent past history. Some people are on this earth to prepare us for the future. Others help remind us to be present in our everyday lives with our children, with our spouses, friends and parents. That was Ned.

I have had the privilege of having Ned's video camera and almost of dozen UNLABELED video tapes to upload to my Macbook (second one, the first one was stolen by colonized African people in the Western Addition housing projects in San Fran, that elitist, white nationalist town that has black people living in terrible conditions. They smashed through my window the beginning of March during the course of 20 minutes. They must have needed the cash pretty desparately).

Anyhow, these tapes were UNLABELED. So much footage of Shaan, of family. But Ned (we are so alike) never took the time to actually name what he was recording.

I am so grateful for his recordings. On my grandma's birthday, we gathered together to watch his footage of Grandma with one month old Shaan in her lap. She sort of knew, sort of didn't know, that she was being recorded. He was sly. He was playing with her and she knew it. They were tight, Ned and Grandma. I miss both of them and they have taught me so much.

Ok, there are about six more tapes to go. Don't worry, I'll upload some of it to YouTube for public viewing. I don't think Ned would mind. It is so that we can spend more time with you, bro. Love you!

Hi Ned

2009-05-29T10:55:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to write you a few words. You are in my thoughts every day. I carry your smile, your gait, your gut with me as I walk through the world. I sometimes wear your clothes in public :)

(I'll try not to do that so much since I look goofy.) I'm wearing your Norcal sweatshirt right now and I wear that proudly. The baggy blue velour pants maybe I should give a rest.

I see your face in my furrowed brow when I look in the mirror. I see you in the airplanes in the sky. I see you in the clouds. I see you in the sidewalk cracks. Ok, maybe not. I hear you in the silly pop songs from the 70's, 80's and 90's. I see you the childhood rooms that still lurk in my mind. The red and black furniture. The wine corks glued on the door of the back bedroom to keep the sounds out (you gave up two thirds of the way!) On the roof at the house. In the canyon. In the depths of the pool. You are everywhere. I see you!

The Grief Doesn't Stop But the Love for Life Continues

2009-05-19T14:31:00.000-07:00

Too much is going on for words to be adequate. So much sorrow and loss. No memorial for grandma doesn't feel right but that's what she said she wanted and the words were taken literally.

She was so upset about losing her grandson. "Why didn't I go first?," was what I think she said. It didn't seem fair. Here she was ready to go and her grandson was in the prime of his life and has this terrible accident. Of course, we make the best plans but we can't predict the winds, mother nature and what will come down.

My grandma's birthday is Monday, May 31st and Ned's 40th birthday will be on Sunday, June 7th, even though he didn't make it there. Both days we'll do something special that they would have appreciated. We'll do it for ourselves and we'll also do it for them. So, depending on what you believe, all bases will be covered.

Wilma Hettie Downin Brain - May 31, 1918-May 12, 2009

2009-05-14T07:23:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, May 12th at about 7:45pm was the monumental passing of our grandmother.

She was sharp and animated in spirit for most of her 90 years and her body slowly failed her over the last couple years.

She was witty, charming, loving and generous to her family. She had conservative views but a progressive heart and saw the life sparkle in the people she met face to face.

The last moment I had with her I was able to tell her how much I loved her and all of us loved her. She was alert and it was clear that she could take in what I was saying, but she couldn't respond to them with her own words. I also asked her to say hi to Ned. I sat on the bed and hugged her. I saw her face break into a laugh when I told her that I knew she did not want to make it to her 91st birthday.

After mom and I said goodbye to her, I called out another goodbye and "love you Grandma" from the doorway. She looked right at me, her head propped up by pillows and gave me a wink.

One Year Gone, One Year Gained

2009-04-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

This morning we are driving up to the pond in San Andreas seen in this picture where Ned was running Norcal Aviation. The last day I spent with him was at this pond where he took each one of us up for a flight.

Today we will sit at the picinic benches under the oaks and listen to Ned's music (dad is bringing his little speakers). We'll eat, talk and listen to the wind. We'll remember and share stories to laugh and to cry.

We'll remember Dave Cunningham too - who died with Ned - who we never got to meet and think about his widow Kathleen who we have connected with and will hope to see again.

Ned was so proud and was doing something he loved so much. This is where we can take some comfort to ease the sting just a little.

This year I've gained many of Ned's friends as my own. I've gained a deeper relationship with some of my relatives who I've known all my life but am still getting to know. I have gained new brothers. I've gained weight from drinking Ned's favorite beer (!) - Sierra Nevada - and nervously eating my sorrow. I've gained an understanding of the depth of my brother's spirit and how many people his life touched. I've gained wisdom about life's preciousness and a strength I hope I can hang onto and grow into.

Looking forward to being with my family on this day and going up to hear the wild winds at Cherry Lake on your 40th birthday Ned.

Terrible Year, O.K. Day

2009-04-16T17:48:00.000-07:00

The sky was clear blue today and the wind was not so strong.

Today I walked by a maintenance worker outside the Department of Motor Vehicles, a grandfatherly man who was laughing with a cohort. I said hello, and he said, "Good Morning, Precious."

I got in line at the DMV and immediately struck up a conversation with the woman behind me. She gave me a warm smile, sympathy for my laid off work status, and a compliment for my positive attitude.

It took me 11 minutes to my business done at the DMV. Kind of strangely quick and efficient.

I got to work and thanked my coworker Sandra for the Lavendar scented candle she gave me yesterday to light for the one year anniversary since the accident. I thanked her for the love and she replied with, "You're a great soul. I mean that." (So is Sandra. I will miss her and will have to keep in touch.)

I went down Mission Street from the family visiting center where I work for the time being and I ordered a ceviche tostada from Taqueria Cancun. With avocados.

I witnessed a wonderul mom (who reminds me of the movie star Rosie Perez - petite, bubbly, full blown smile and bright eyes) going home with her 11 year old son and 3 year old daughter. A family reunited after being separated by the system. A very happy family

I bought tickets for Jasmine and myself to go to Philly for the Uhuru Solidarity Conference on May 2nd. We will take a trip to NYC afterwards. I also arranged a ticket for a young man who is coming out to the conference. He will fly with us out there. He is great soul too.

I got home and got a card from my friend and comrade Maureen that read, "They who have stepped outside their door have the hardest part of the journey behind them. You can lean on me every step of the way," with a really sweet message inside.

I wear Ned's face on mine proudly today. If I can embody his spirit and be like him - open to the world and people around me, greeting life boldly each day, even the crazy dramas and seemingly endless suffering will not keep me down.

I am looking forward to hanging out with you, Ned at the pond with the rest of the family on Saturday. Love you.

One Terrible Year

2009-04-09T14:43:00.001-07:00

I just have to be brutally honest and say that this has been one horrible year.
The upheaval for all of us of losing Ned has been rough. It just is an indescribable sorrow. On good days I look at the blue sky and puffy white clouds, hear a Dave Matthews song on the radio and he is right there with me helping me go forward.

Ron lost his brother one year ago as well. His brother who I never met, who was an addict and fell and hit his clouded head on the concrete ground in Clearwater, Florida.

Today it is rainy and cold and unforgiving.

Great Grandma is hanging on but is ready to leave this planet and join Ned, wherever he is. I think she is frustrated that her body won't quit. It is so hard to say goodbye to her.

I found out a week ago that I'm being laid off from my "new" job. It is devastating news in this economy. There are so many circumstances around this lay off that seem unfair. I have made a lot of friends and contacts. That is what will help me move on.

Politically and economically, these are challenging times for everyone and yet it is like the long, painful labor of something new being born. Sometimes I just wish it wasn't so hard. Relax your face, breathe and work with it.

One Year Prayer for Ned Held March 13 & 14

2009-04-04T06:34:00.001-07:00

The One Year Prayer prepared by Vicki and her family to celebrate the passing of Ned’s soul was a beautiful coming together of the people who loved Ned. I was truly honored to be a part of it.

Blankets covered every inch of the living room floor. Ned’s framed portrait with his bright beaming smile from their wedding day was placed on a small altar on the floor with a bouquet of yellow chrysanthemums, a bright yellow orchid and three idols – one of the god Krisha and one connecting Rama and his wife Sita. Rama was another face of Krishna . Sita was Rama’s wife in heaven.

Ned, Vicki and Shaan’s home was filled with family and friends from both sides – a culmination of people who loved Ned from Indian and non-Indian cultures all with one common purpose, to see Ned and to get to spend a little more time with him.

The priest wore bright gold and white clothing and sat behind the altar and explained the proceedings with care and warmth. He explained that this was the one year celebration of the passing of Ned’s soul. He spoke about our time on Earth and the idea that our soul is part of a larger energy or life force. According to Hindu belief, we are part of this long history of souls passing from one form to another.

The priest explained that it takes the soul one year to transition and reincarnate into a new form and that the actions in this lifetime determine what life form you will take in the next - whether it is a bird or a monkey or another human life or finding peace in heaven. He explained that we are part of this enormous continuum of the recycling of souls through the many universes and planets that exist with life.

He explained the three day prayer after death, the six month prayer and then the one year prayer helps us transition to this next life form, prayer being a medium to ease the transition of the soul to its new form. The songs from the holy Hindu scriptures of the Bhagavad Gita and Ramayana create the vibration. All of the songs are actually prayers that create this necessary vibration. The humming and the chanting of the words of the gods open up a different energy that helps the soul make this transition. What we hear in the physical world is different from the sounds that exist at different frequencies that are normally difficult for the human ear to pick up. The chanting of the name of the gods and the music from the harmonium and the Tubla (Indian musical drums) and a few other instruments created this amazingly beautiful effect of such power and warmth.

Sweet milk was placed on the altar along with a bowl of fruit. A candle burned throughout the ceremony. The food is presented in front of the gods to show thanks and everyone took some of the milk and fruit in hand to participate in the ceremony. A yellow flower Galen was placed on the idols of the gods along with some flowers.

Following the prayer, cousin Pretika and her father Amir sang traditional songs of prayer. Pretika also sang a poem in English that was dedicated to Ned. As soon as I get a copy of the poem and the recording, I will post it on the blog. Words can not describe the power and beauty of the song that brought tears to most of the people listening.

The Saturday prayer included the fire sacrifice and the food offering. The fire is believed to be another vehicle through which the message gets to the soul. The smoke carries up the essence of the message to nourish the soul in its journey. Ned’s mother and father respectfully participated in this ceremony by sitting behind Vicki and touching her back as she put the rice and coconut into the fire. Mom and dad then circled with the others around the fire to help the message get to Ned’s soul.

All the food prepared at the prayer was food that Vicki knew Ned liked and loved. The purpose was to feed the family with what he loved. And he loved food so there have to be about 15 different dishes, we could not have meat which he loved but he got everything else.

Vicki and her family prepared Indian breads roti and pouri. They made vegetable pakoras, dal, pumpkin curry, kaadu, eggplant curry, potato and peas curry, cabbage, long beans with potatoes, papaya curry, squash curry, sweet potatoes, raita, red onions and cucumber, fried rice, tomato onion salsa, sweet breads, rice pudding, dates, all served with sweet Chai and other things that we could not figure out the name in English.

After the Saturday prayer but before everyone else had a chance to eat, one to two teaspoons of each prepared dish as well as peanut butter toast and Cheez-its which he loved were put aside for Ned. The Priest took the food to the corner outside by the pool and offered it to Ned.

This One Year Prayer was so beautiful and honorable. Vicki and her family worked so hard and the love in that effort was apparent to all. I know that Ned – wherever he is – was looking proudly on his family and friends. If you weren’t able to come, I hope that this captures some of the feeling and spirit of this ceremony and gives you some comfort as it did the people who attended.

The One Year Prayer

2009-03-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

Vicki and I are working together to present to everyone the one year prayer. It was really a magnificent tribute to Ned, an outpouring of love from his friends and family, and an amazing lesson (for me and many others) on the Bhagavad Gita and the Ramayana, two very important Indian spiritual texts.

It was wonderful to feel such a welcoming from another culture to experience the beliefs, rituals, customs and food that adds so much richness to life. A glimpse of what Ned experienced.

Details from Vicki for One Year Prayer - March 13 & 14

2009-03-04T18:42:00.000-08:00

Hi guys,

Its almost one year now but it only seems like yesterday Ned was here. Its been rough going but going. My little Nedda bagel (shaan) keeps me going. I probably would have been on Prozac if it wasn't for him. He was and still is and will be my love, my heart and my soulmate. Funny I used to tell him jokingly that he is stuck with me for eternity. I miss him so much

I registered shaan today for his preschool, which he will start on Aug 2nd 2009. He went today with me to store to get his school bag pack (spiderman). He is so excited and ready, at least he says that anyway.
This will be one of the longest email I ever send in my life. Here are some details of prayer:

On Friday the 13th (yeah I know but I had no choice, priest are hard to get). The Prayer will start about 6:30ish and end about 9pm. I would like for you guys to get here around 6pm to enjoy the food, it is optional because otherwise dinner will be around 9pm which I know is late for non-Indians =): The priest will read verses out of Ramayana which I will explain at the bottom. He will try to translate as much as possible. A few of us will have kids, and I will set up kids place in my bedroom. It is a quiet time while the prayer is going on so my nieces/nephews will be in my bedroom with the kids. This day the prayer is inside the house like the 6month prayer.

On Sat the 14th, the prayer will be outside with a fire pit and will start around 10:30ish and be done before noon. Lunch will be phenomenal because it will consist of a wide variety of vegetarian dishes prepared by me and my family for Ned. We will be getting up around 4am to prepare it.

Brief summary of the meaning of this prayer:

In Hindu religion, if a person dies, we mourn for one year. There is usually a prayer after the funeral, then a 6month prayer and the the final one year prayer before the 1 year deadline. Like the bible which composed of chapters composed by apostles of Jesus, so is the Bagawat geeta and Ramayana and other Indian text ---which are written by sages (saints who meditate to days end/ years to compose these text....simply put, there is more to it!
On Saturday the priest will read one chapter from text called Ramayana (you can goggle it if you want) but in short it tells a story of one of our Gods--called Ram who was a prince and fought in a battle with giants (similar to the Napalms in the book Enoch which is dated to be written before Christ) among other things.

I copied and pasted this from wikipedia:
Ramayana; The story operates at multiple levels. At one level, it describes the society at that time: vast empires, the life of a prince destined to become the next king, the rivalry between mothers and stepmothers, the bond of affection and loyalty between brothers, contests to win the hands of a princess, etc. At a second level, it describes how an ethical human being and a leader of men conducts himself at all times, facing situations with equanimity, rising to occasions to lead his people independent of his own personal tragedies and limitations, cultivating affection and respect of his people. At yet another level, it is a story of the seventh incarnation of Lord Vishnu, this time as a human, combating evil, restoring justice in the land, fully aware of his divinity and resorting to use of his superhuman powers only when absolutely necessary.

We usually read bhagawat geeta but the priest stated that since Ned knew the concepts of the bhagawat geeta that we should read Ramayana. It is our belief that our souls/energy/spirits whatever you wanna call it... lives on and that the prayer helps them transition/settle on the otherside. I know some of you have different beliefs which is highly respected, but I wanted to do this for Ned because it is my belief and I know Ned felt the same way. He was new to it all but he embraced my culture/belief/religion with open arms which is one of the reason he was loved so much by my family and friends. He was a well rounded spirit with an open mind and heart. I know his energy was bright as it can be (yeah, he was human and had his moments which included frustration, some anger (i have only probably seen him mad twice in almost 10 years, he spoke his mind...and i can go on but all you guys knew him. He is the one that I will spend eternity with if I can. one piece/part of me.

with love
Vicki and shaan

p.s If i sent this email and you are out of country/state =): you know who you are...its becasue I wanted to keep you guys close by...we will get together when you are in town or bayarea..forgot to mention one very important detail:

p.s.
It will be all veggie dishes and I kindly ask everyone NOT to bring anything. All the food and drinks will be provided by me. Sorry guys there will be no beer but I'll make sure I have soda's and chai tea. If you eat meat or drink alcohol that day, you won't be able to participate on the actual prayer stage (the place where the priest sits, you will be able to tell who the priest is by their attire, there will be two). And just wave at Mehal (sweety's husband, he is suppose to stay away from non-vegan's just those two days only.

Thank you guys for understanding. I know its a lot to ask. love vicki and shaan.

Yellow

2009-03-02T02:43:00.000-08:00

We are into dreams. I told Vicki and others about the dream I had last week.

My old bedroom at my parent's place is now the "back room" for overnight guests.

From age 9 to 17 it was my bedroom. After I moved out, Ned took it over as his. It is the best bedroom in the house really (next to the "master" bedroom) with two windows looking out on the dozens of oaks. You can see who is coming up the driveway from that room, which I always liked and you can hear the frogs and crickets from the canyon at night.

Ned tried to soundproof the bedroom with old wine corks glued to the door. He got about three quarters of the way down and maybe got tired or something, but those corks are still on the door so that he could blast his music.

In my dream my parents had decorated that room like a kid's room. The bed was in the center of the room covered with a bright yellow bedspread with blue and yellow planes on it. There were plane mobiles hanging from the ceiling and there was a big screen set up. You could lounge on the bed and watch movies of Ned growing up and his life unfold.

The bedspread was such a bright yellow and that was what stood out the most to me.

I was telling my kids about the dream. To me, the dream tells me that there are these warm memories tucked away in the corners of our minds, in the corners of the places where we grew up and how Ned's whole life is there for us enjoy like watching a familiar movie.

When I was finished telling them I turned on the radio (we were in the car going to school) and the song Yellow by Coldplay had just started playing. Ned loved that song. The warmth of the sun, the shine of the stars, this was Ned's favorite color.

February Rain and Shine

2009-02-22T07:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Ned,

This makes possibly the third or maybe the fourth month that the eighteenth day has gone by without some sort of acknowledgement on my part. I'll know that it is coming and then I will get caught up and forget about the significance of that date. It kind of throws me to forget like that. It doesn't mean that I miss you any less. Maybe it is just that other things will take on meaning as other details fall off.

A couple weeks ago I was able to connect with some of your friends that I haven't seen since the memorial. There was a Superbowl Party at Henry and Heather's house and I made the trip with Jasmine. We swung through and saw Vicki and Shaan and then Sweetie, Ryan and Thais. When we pulled up, your son was driving around in a little blue motorized car around in the tree on the lawn and laughing hysterically. I hope you saw that. You would be digging that.

After a couple of hours, we left and went to the other party and we saw (of course) Henry, Heather, Vince, Logan, Amanda, Melissa, Tiffany and I met some others too whose names I am sorry I can't recall right now. Everyone loves you so much. Many had last seen you at last year's Superbowl Party where you sat outside smoking a cigar at the patio under the umbrellas next to the tiki lamps, texting Logan about your team and drinking your cognac. So full of it. I mean, so full of life ;).

I still listen to your music often and always will. It is a way to bring forth your presence. The funny thing is that I don't have any of the songs labeled in iTunes but I just go to the play count and find them. Here's one of the songs I'm listening to now. It reminds me of the love that you and Vicki shared and it really tears me up. So readers be warned. It's Seal and Santana, "You Are My Kind" and I'm certain that it represented that love that you shared together.

Here in the early Sunday morning hours when my family is asleep and the rain is coming down, I can cry and help repair that part of my heart that is broken. Broken from the longing of wanting more time with you on this planet. Broken for Vicki, broken for my parents, my sister and my kids who loved their Uncle Ned. Broken for my husband who loved having a brother that lifted him up and who he could relate to. Broken for all your best friends who can't figure out how to replace that warmth in their lives that you always brought. I know that the rain of tears is necessary for me. Someone said that it cleanses your soul. Maybe the tears are the nourishment that we need in order to make things grow.

Rain and shine you are always there.

Love your sister,

Wendy

One Year Prayer for Ned

2009-02-14T09:08:00.001-08:00

Vicki asked that I send friends and family details about the one year prayer so we can come together for Ned.

Although the exact year anniversary will be April 18th, the prayer takes place before the first year is over. For all of us, this has been one difficult year and coming together is so important.

Prayers will take place at Vicki's place at 5605 Laguna Oaks Drive in Elk Grove. You can come for one, all or part of the services.

Friday, March 13, 2009, 6pm for one hour of singing; 7pm prayer

Saturday, March 14, 2009, 10am to noon or come at noon for lunch

Love, Vicki and family

Beautiful Ned Skies Today

2009-02-13T11:34:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to say that I'm feeling Ned. He's up in the rainbows and the wonderful clouds in the blue skies following the rain. He's up there in the cool, crisp breeze coming in from the bay. He's reaching through the fog to see us today. And we're ok.

Happy Birthday Logan!

2009-02-05T06:24:00.000-08:00

So your birthday was Tuesday and you turned older.!

Thank you for filling in for my brother while he is gone from the rest of our lives.

That sounds weird, but I mean that.

It feels like for both of us (and many of us) that he will come back from his trip to embrace us, to see how we've been doing during these hard times. He'll have a lot to tell us. He will talk our ears off on the phone while he is taking Shaan to the park and talking to the neighbors at the same time.

The recognition and realization of this loss is ongoing and spiral in shape. We wake up from dreams where we get to see a glimpse of him and then wake up again to the stone cold loss. We think we are ok and then can't figure out why we don't want to get out of bed the next day.

I told you that Dad had a dream about little Ned. He was probably four or something with wisps of blond curls. The family was all together with Ned the little one running around. All of a sudden he was gone. The confusion and terror of that fact continues to greet us abruptly when we awaken.

It is great to have you here and get to know you as we get to know how to travel through this spiral - on one side is the joy of having had such a brother and the laughter we can remember and recreate for each other, for Vicki, for Shaan, for our parents and friends. On the other side is the dream that he will hop off the plane, pull up and greet us with that infectious smile and laugh. Sometimes we can live in the suspended disbelief for a moment so that in our waking moments those dreams are ok to have. I know I didn't explain that very well, but I've got to get ready for work.

Love

Wendy

What It's Like (To Have the Blues)

2009-01-26T07:29:00.000-08:00

From Ned's collection:

What It's Like

by Everlast

This is a live version I found but anyways...

That's how I'm feeling this morning.

Dad, it's probably two chords, I could learn it! Logan could for sure. Jasmine will learn in about five minutes although she would want to change a few words.

Singing the blues is good for us, as long as we can change our tune and not play the same song over and over all day, seven times is ok, I think.

Here's another Everlast tune that he performs with Santana. I listened to this over and over when my son Aaren was born. He's almost eight now.

Enjoy!

Leave Your Lights On

P.S. If you don't know how to load the video before you listen, you need to. Otherwise it will be stopping and starting on you and you won't have much fun.

Traveling Through Time

2009-01-17T09:26:00.000-08:00

It's been two weeks since I've written. I know that seems like a long time. I've been busy, good busy. I have also been traveling. I got a full time job with benefits and have been traveling around to different community centers and places in San Francisco as part of my work with SF County Social Services through the Seneca Center. (Which is pretty amazing to get in this economy.) I also took a trip to St. Petersburg, Florida for five days for a conference of the African People's Solidarity Committee. Then, I've been traveling around Oakland - postering, going to rallies, attending meetings in an effort to organize people to a long term stand for justice for the black community following the BART police killing of Oscar Grant III, a young father who was shot by Johannes Mehserle in the early morning hours of the new year after being forced onto his belly.

I say I traveled through time because I used to live in Florida and I always travel back to that time in the mid 90's when I go there. This time I happened to connect with Logan unexpectedly in a wonderful surprise that we were both in the Tampa Bay Area at the same time.

I told him about the 1996 community rebellions following the police killing of TyRon Lewis, my family's reactions and concerns about my political activism and felt a real satisfaction in the merging of these two seemingly separate at times but interconnected parts of my life. Thank you Logan for being there. I like to think that Ned set it up with the Big Spirit up there so that we could be at the same place at the same time.

More to say but much more to do. Hope everyone is having fun with the cookbook. I have already made the Edminster's Cheesy Bread twice and I recommend the Miner's Hot Pepper Chicken. Also, forgot to mention that Jasmine's rock band - Poison Apple Pie - had its fourth gig on January 6th. Here they are in November doing an REM cover. Love to all.

A Small World, (from Logan).

2009-01-17T09:21:00.000-08:00

I spent last week job hunting in San Diego, and then the Lakeland, Florida area. I'd just landed at the Orlando airport, turned my phone on, and had received a message from Wendy. It said, "Hi Logan. Haven't talked in a while, so I just wanted to give you a call and catch up. I'm out of town for a few days, on my way to Florida, and connecting through Houston as we speak." Well, having just gone through Houston myself, I was pretty sure she was flying Continental. By the time I called her back, to let her know I too was in Florida, she was already airborne on her way to Tampa--so I left a message.

She was in the area working with Uhuru, (a foundation designed to fight the oppressive behaviors of society), which is the best I could describe it. It's actually an amazing group of people, with a common belief, who with selfless devotion, are making changes in the lives of millions--or that is the hope anyway.

Well, she called me back the following day, and we made plans to meet over the weekend. As it turns out, Lakeland, (where I was staying), is closer to St. Petersburg, (where she was lodged), than I live to her in California. On Saturday evening a I was able to swing by the event location in a nature reserve, and then Monday, met her at the "Uhuru House." She had been telling me about this place, the people, and it's cause, for many months, so it was nice to finally see it in person. It was a busy day for her, so it only afforded us about an hour to chat. However, while we were conversing, a classic Florida rainstorm had developed outside. It was the type of downpour that you could have lathered up in soap, and rinsed off in--raindrops big enough that they could promote bruising.

The scenario, (rain, my pseudo-sister Wendy, and the Uhuru environment), made the whole picture one that Ned would have appreciated. Wendy stated that she felt as though Ned hadn't really had the opportunity to see, and therefor understand, the purpose of what she was doing with Uhuru. Then I told her of my very similar experience with my own brother, who was an activist against the atrocities taught at the "School of the Americas" in Fort Benning, GA. I also told her of a conversation that I'd had with Ned, (during a round of golf), about a week before the accident. He was explaining to me how much he loved and appreciated his family, and how important it was for him to get to know his sisters better.

Something so special about Ned, was that he took such a sincere interest in other people's lives. And when he didn't fully understand what it was that individual was doing, he would ask questions, attempting enlightenment. He was, and would be so proud of his sister, and her work. It's my belief that he would have become more active in the Uhuru movement, given the time to learn it's message. Well, I think Wendy and I had the same thought; that Ned was present that day in the rain, smiling with approval, and happy that people have come together in the midst of loss, and found solace in what is humanity. Thank you Ned, for introducing me to these wonderful people--your friends and family. Love you Bro.

Logan

A New Year

2009-01-02T22:12:00.000-08:00

One year ago today was the last time I saw my brother. Actually, one year ago is when he took us each out in the seaplane at the pond in San Andreas. He was frustrated as hell because he couldn't get that little seaplane to take off right and the plane kept getting pulled back with the wind on the pond and stuck in the corner. He had to put on rubber boots going practically up to his knees and trudge through the water to pull the plane back to near the dock to where take off was possible.

I was about to tell him that it would be ok if we called it a day, but then I didn't dare. I knew he wanted so badly to take us each up in that plane. So we waited, played around the dock, ate chips and salsa, and watched and waited as Ned worked the plane around.

Eventually, he took each of us up - Aaren (that's the video I have in my phone that is dated 1/2/08) first, then Sahil, then Jasmine and then me. He took each of us over the New Malones reservoir and took me on a special Star Wars type of trek through a couple narrow ravines for grown ups only. Shaan and Vicki waited patiently while each of us got our chance to fly with Ned.

After we flew we visited the Norcal Aviation office at the airport and saw Ned's paint job, his newly set up office and met the all the people in the building.

The kids and I ended up staying over that night and I remember feeling so inspired by Ned's confidence, dedication and focus on his work. When he told me that we could come and stay any time, I felt so proud and comforted to know that this wonderful guy was actually my very own brother, and that, yes, I could and should rely on his generosity and warmth and that his home was open to us as mine would always be to his.

I think about this time and I am filled with sorrow, my throat choking up with tears. At times I feel a certain acceptance of the reality of him not being here anymore coming to me slowly, but it will still take a lot of time.

A new friend of mine at my job suffered the loss of her father two years ago and some years back lost her sister. She was so sweet when I was telling her about the holidays with my family without Ned. She told me that it will be ok and she said she didn't know what had happened, that maybe God had talked to her in her sleep and told her some things that helped her start to accept the death of her father.

I do think there is a wisdom about life and death that will come to me and hopefully to all of us. This is about the passage of time. This is the bigger picture of who we are as human beings on this planet. This is about finding our life purpose and living it and being excited about it. This is also about feeling terrible loss and disappointment about not being able to follow through with all the plans we had. This is about feeling that deep sorrow but then being able to carry on.

These are the lessons of life.

Happy new year everyone!

At the Snyder's House

2008-12-28T16:42:00.000-08:00

I just spent three nights and three days at my parents' home. This is the place where I lived from age 9 to 17 and Ned lived from age 6 to 20 something.

On Christmas day we opened presents, took a walk and got caught in the rain, ate breakfast and took naps, took another walk and made dinner. Then we played guitar and sang carols, taking it on the road rather late. We ended up at the neighbor Eastman's home next door to eat Tollhouse cookies (in the cookbook) and watched a house go up in flames across the canyon (a lamp ignited a sofa on fire my parents found out today).

Friday we shopped for clothes for the kids and ate leftovers that mom and I cooked in the kitchen, all the while Ned's voice and laughter echoing eerily through the house. Eerie, sad, but also comforting, since we know that he will always be there as long as our minds are intact. My mind played tricks on me and I kept expecting to see him.

The party on Saturday was good - we have sold nearly 70 books I think. Ned's friends, who all had family obligations during the holiday season, didn't show. Cousins, family friends came, especially cousin Debbie's family. I made my own version of Aunt Rose's chili. Nancy made Jill Peckler's salad. Jasmine made Edminster Cheesey bread and I made a reduced sugar (not on purpose, there is a typo in the book) of Grandma Brain's Butterscotch Squares. Vicki liked them anyways.

After the party, the four grandkids became loud and boisterous, running up and down the hallways repeatedly - Jasmine - 11, Aaren - 7, non stop "Little Ned" Shaan Snyder - 3 and little loquacious Nicole Snyder Mingelen who is 2.

Cookbook Release Party Tomorrow!

2008-12-26T16:29:00.000-08:00

SAT, DEC 27TH, 2 TO 5PM
at Bobbie and Jerry's place
Please RSVP to snyderguitar@comcast.net
or call me at 510-295-7834 for RSVP and directions

Holidays

2008-12-22T06:40:00.000-08:00

We dearly miss you Ned, especially right now as families are gathering together to share, give, and remember the year.

This has been a very difficult year without you Ned. It has been a difficult year, period.

We will carry your loving spirit with us and welcome in the new year with hope and energy.

Also, to paraphrase something that your buddy Vince wrote to me. He said that he misses you a lot right now as you always embraced the holidays. Also he said that he always thought as your belly was growing that you would make a good Santa Claus :)

Hope some of you out there are coming to the party on Dec 27th!

Also, buy an Uhuru Pie from me. Order by Tues at 2pm for Xmas and by 2pm on 12/20 for New Year's and I'll figure out how you can get it. (Unless you are in Kentucky!)

www.uhurupies.org

Cookbooks Are Here!

2008-12-15T07:19:00.000-08:00

The "Sky is No Limit" Recipe Collection, compiled and dedicated to Ned "Superman" Snyder by loving family and friends is here!

Thank you cousin Debbie a million times for making it happen! It is very special and comes at a great time when family and friends are coming together to share food and fun.

To get the book, a $10 minimum donation goes to the Shaan Snyder College Fund. Make checks to Make checks to "Fidelity 529" with "FBO Shaan Snyder" in the memo. Send to 5605 Laguna Oaks Drive, Elk Grove, CA 95758. After you send it, you can send an email to snyderguitar@comcast.net and let Jerry know that you put the check in the mail for the book and he'll send you one.

Better yet, if you can come to the book release party and pick up your cookbook, then we can save on the postage and hassle and have some fun too.

The Sky is No Limit

Ned "Superman" Snyder

Recipe Collection

BOOK RELEASE PARTY

Saturday, December 27th

2 to 5pm

Please RSVP to snyderguitar@comcast.net

and also get directions to their Monte Sereno home.

Hope to see you there!

Dad's Birthday

2008-12-11T07:40:00.001-08:00

Last year Dad turned 70 and he got us all together up at Tahoe. This year I just hope that he can keep the memory of his wonderful son alive in his heart with great pride to counterbalance just a little bit the huge sorrow that I know he feels. He and mom raised a great person and I know that when that man came up to congratulate Dad at the opening of Ned's business, he felt that pride that only a parent can feel. Think of Ned's arm around your shoulder, Dad, and how much he loved you.

Happy Birthday Shaan!

2008-12-10T21:59:00.000-08:00

Little Shaan turned three today. (Ok, I need some updated pictures.) When I called, I could hear him laughing in the background. He was wrestling with his Papa (Grandpa) and his Uncle Mehal. His personality is starting to really take shape and he is a little boy on the go always, like his dad.

I'm excited that we will spend the day with him and with Vicki and mom and dad tomorrow. I'm taking the kids out of school and we are going to the Sacramento Zoo. Ned loved to take him there. It will be a treat. We'll do some present opening afterwards and have dinner at the house. The kids are really looking forward to it. It's dad's (Papa's) birthday tomorrow. Ron can't make it, and Nancy won't be there, but it's good that we will mostly all be together to mark these days.

Ditto...

2008-12-05T21:07:00.001-08:00

Me too. It's the only place I find, where I can actually communicate with him. Sometimes, you’re also there Sister, and it makes the reverie even more visceral. Glad I’m not the only one with weird dreams :-)

By: Logan Frasier

Dream Footage of Ned

2008-12-05T06:38:00.000-08:00

I literally went to bed asking myself to have a dream of Ned. I know it may sound funny to some , but here are some things I've been asked to ask him. And, seeing him in my dreams is like having a visit from him.

Instead I dreamt that I was on a road trip across California only I was in Golden Gate Park in L.A., so things were kind of mixed up. We got on the wrong road to head South or North and all of a sudden we were on Lombard Street. You know, the street that goes back and forth and back and forth down an insane hill. I think our car then broke down at the end of the hill. Only it didn't dump out onto another street, but more of Golden Gate Park and a view of the Pacific Ocean.

It turns out that we would have to ride our bikes home and it was already 2pm and I was worried about it getting dark. So, I kept telling Ron that it was time to go, but I also kept forgetting things. (Of course in the dream there is a bed strewn with my clean laundry on it like at home and the bed is in the middle of Golden Gate Park.) So, I stuffed the clothes into my backpack and we headed out on our bikes down a long road.

Jump cut to my Grandma's cabin in the mountains (I guess the bike trip was easy), but it wasn't her cabin in the mountains, with many people gathered there to watch a movie of Ned. I have these waking dreams of having a "Nedfest" gathering of sorts, not necessarily to watch footage of Ned, but to get together (maybe for his birthday) and remember him.

So the last piece of my dream was us watching a movie of Ned with his big frame sort of saunter heavily like a big bear carrying a big brown box (of beer?) across a field with bare feet. Next he was carrying Vicki in his arms, swinging her around gracefully like a dancehall dude, both of them smiling and laughing and all of us laughing and crying. I love dreams. Wish Ned was here.

Coldplay and Tupac Moments Late at Night

2008-12-01T23:52:00.000-08:00

Chris Martin of Coldplay, Sting, David Gray, Jack Johnson, Dave Matthews - yes they are very different artists, but I guess all their music will always remind me of Ned. I think it is because he was so passionate about the meaning in songs and would always choose to play songs for people that held some kind of significance for him, often in their words. In their songs, these artists explore life's quest for meaning and significance, struggles with love and loss, injustice and just struggle. And, these guys just happen also to all be white dudes like Ned :) and perhaps grew up with things relatively good for them.

This song "What If" seems to capture the kind of simple wistful ballad that echoes my own melancholy back to me. I think the line where he is wondering, "What if you decide that you don't want me there in your life," adds just the melodramatic touch that makes me not take the song too seriously.

But, its about the quandary between hope and despair, faith and hopelessness and the self-doubt that comes from being in that quagmire. I come out of the uncertainty and turmoil of these times of crisis - both the personal tragedy and hardship (no work for months on end) and the larger political and economic crisis that is affecting communities in the U.S. across the globe. With all that, I have incredible hope for profound change in the world because I see a movement on the rise.

Vicki took Aaren and Jasmine to Mervyn's on Saturday, which is closing down its stores after 50 years, and treated them to early Christmas clothes. This morning Aaren asked me, "Why is everything closing down?" I answered with hopefully a good second grade response by saying that lots of stores were closing down because a big change was coming in the world and that these stores were part of the old system. We also talked about how things were closing down but as things were closing, people were opening up to make changes.

Later on Aaren spontaneously changed the words to Tupac's song "Changes" to reflect a vision of hope through struggle. Tupac does call for change towards the end of the song, but then he is very ambivalent about it. I think there will be a lot of struggle in this lifetime for things to change for the better. If Tupac had lived longer (dying in his twenties like too many young Africans), he would have seen it and been excited about it. Tupac and Ned both.

Shaan Fun

2008-11-29T22:17:00.000-08:00

My son Aaren came up with that title to sum up the day and a half spent with his cousin, little Shaan. Shaan was ecstatic to see his cousins and play with them.

He bosses them around and sometimes hits them when things don't go his way. (He's still two.) He laughs and yells "Yea!" He likes to be chased around the house and play with Aaren with his Thomas the trains.

He loves to watch the Norcal Aviation video of the seaplanes and his dad over and over. "Seaplane! Seaplane!" I don't think he'd seen it in a while, but we were all looking at pictures and Vicki reminded me that he liked to watch it.

Later on, we charged Ned's video camera and finally began to see the video footage that Ned took during his last months on earth. It was great to see him laughing with Shaan, throwing snowballs and getting snowballs thrown at him. They were playing golf (or hockey golf) at the park across the street from their house and in another clip, dancing together.

Overall, we had a good time with Shaan and Vicki (and Logan, Dan and Sweetie) and it seemed that at any moment, Ned would and could have walked in the door and joined in the fun.

Communication with Ned

2008-11-24T07:07:00.000-08:00

Many people through their spiritual practice talk to God out loud through prayers, chanting, song or some sort of sound. It is what connects people to their world. Since the prefix "com" means with and together, it makes sense that the words community, communion, communication would all have to do with that sense of being together with some being or someone.

People also talk to their loved ones who have passed on through prayer and sometimes just by talking out loud in their cars, while they are running or on paper through a blog.

It's not that I really think that Ned is reading this blog from the other side. Maybe he can read our thoughts and prayers. Maybe he can hear them. Maybe he can be everywhere he wants to be faster than the speed of light like Superman of course. Since I don't have any firm proof or beliefs on the matter, I just don't know....I have no idea if there is an Internet connection there or if they have the right software to get wireless or if they have the time to do all that. (In my dream, Ned told me he was pretty busy, so who knows what the heck he is doing!) In any case, as long as the server for Blogger.com is operating (gees, maybe I should have a back up plan if they go out of business), this blog will operate for me and for others as a space on the web to talk to Ned, talk with him or talk to together about him. That's communion, community and communication.

Life

2008-11-18T21:19:00.000-08:00

I have been so busy that I almost forgot that it was the 18th today, seven months since the accident. I remembered a couple times throughout the day and then I forgot again. In some ways for me this was good because it means that I don't have the time to be sad all the time.

I now have a contract job that will provide some much needed income for our family and I have been able to immerse myself also in the Uhuru pie campaign and feel that I am making an impact.

This morning the date wasn't on my mind either but I did notice the beautiful full bloom of a yellow rose from our neighbor Dan and Chris' garden. The rose is the variety that has the thin pink line outlining the bright sunny petals. It was so beautiful and smelled so good. The beauty of those roses now reminds me of the day in May when we said goodbye to Ned at the Stanislaus River, sprinkling rose petals from the same rose bushes (plus roses that Terry brought) into the river with Ned's ashes. It was an important. excruciatingly sad, but beautiful ritual. We are all made of these earthly elements and in these stop-and-smell-the-roses moments of pause, I'm reminded of the terrible beauty, sad joys and joyful sadness that sometimes is life. I think Ned, you would understand what I mean by that.

Birthdays

2008-11-07T06:31:00.001-08:00

A year ago Ned officiated at his friends Alistair and Susan's wedding. He told me about it and was so excited to play that role. They were on a seaplane headed to a certain lake outside Seattle. Because it started to snow, they landed on Lake Washington and he married them right there on the plane. The above picture is from that day and was sent me by Alistair and Susan's friend Molly. I will post the other pictures she sent as well.

Today is my birthday and for my birthday last year, Ned sent me (from Ned, Vicki and Shaan) a Starbucks card. You know how he loved those coffee drinks :)

I later told him how I had spent it. I ended up taking four or five of the 9th grade girls who were winners of some game we were playing in my class out to Starbucks for "lunch." We spent the whole $25 or whatever it was in one fell swoop on a bunch of sugary, fluffy and goey Starbucks drinks. He laughed about that.

For my birthday, I think I'll post the little poem I wrote back in April. This will be my morning sadness and communication with him, although I know that I will miss talking him today and he will be on our minds and in our hearts tonight.

Tonight, Jasmine's band Poison Apple Pie has a gig at the Oakland Art Murmur. After that we will have some cake and celebrate. With friends, family and comrades around me that it will all be bittersweet. It's only 6:30 am, but I just got a call from Vicki. She was driving to work and called me to wish me a happy birthday.

My Little Brother Ned Who

My little brother Ned who
I just talked to won’t ever call me again on the phone

My little brother Ned who
flies seaplanes, enjoys kid trains, spends too much
money on coffee won’t be there at the next birthday party, the next Thanksgiving, the next Christmas

My little brother Ned who attached himself to a gigantic rubber band and jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, bounced back to spend the next twenty years of life living it to the fullest.

My little brother who proposed to
his love after jumping out of a perfectly good
airplane – luckily she said yes – had changed from his jumpsuit into that tuxedo to spend the next years loving Vicki and making a family

My little brother who became a brother to everyone was a fine Uncle Ned for Jasmine and Aaren and took them under his wing, up in the air in his plane the last time we saw him

My little brother Ned who had big dreams, a big heart,
has transformed on this earth to the Big Spirit in the Tuolumne pines and mountain breeze.

I want to kiss the earth that he is a part of and help
raise his child to know the big little brother whose spirit will call on me everyday to wake up and smell that coffee so to speak (for him it was the Triple Latte, extra hot, two shots below, one shot above the cream, white mocha)

His spirit will call me all the time to smell those beautiful roses, the ones we pass by everyday

He will call me and tell me not to ever be afraid
to dream big and act on those dreams

We miss you

Politics

2008-11-05T11:29:00.000-08:00

This morning I talked to Ned's buddy Logan (my new brother) about the elections. It was great to discuss our different but mostly similar perspectives. We talked about how we both were upset by the passage of Proposition 8 in California. Talking politics has been taboo in my family for a long time. With my Republican grandparents especially. I never understood this and always hated this repression. I was always the "black sheep" wanting to bring things up, state a differing view and was always firmly but politely told to shut the f#*% up! It is probably what drove me to discover how I thought about things more on my own and it is also what made my political differences more explosive to my family when they came out, for example, at a family gathering after several glasses of wine! I love talking politics but it is always that initial fear that I won't be understood or that I will shut up that grips me that I have to ignore so that I don't censor myself.

I think my family has changed a lot and allows for more in-depth discussion and that is a good thing. Almost a year ago, I remember talking to Ned openly and freely about conditions in this country and around the world that I felt adamantly needed to change and could change with an active political stand. Even with the way he rushed to change the subject and then change it back again to something else (which I finally had come to understand was his style and nothing personal), it was a fun, free-flowing conversation that involved political discussion!

I know that many people are excited (except for my Grandma who sounded a bit depressed, she voted in the red, sorry for the pun and was in the minority at her senior living facility) about the change in the administration. After several conversations with family and friends, I can say that I am hoping that the level of political interest and engagement stays at a high level so that people really get involved in making real change in our world. When we are not afraid to speak out, have differences and solve problems, we can create even more energy in our lives and improve our communities overall. I know that I would have loved to have been on the phone with Ned today, talking about all these things, discussing the world.

Day of the Dead

2008-11-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

The kids and I put a picture of Ned with the "Superman Lives" sticker on it with a note and some flowers on a Day of the Dead altar at the Creative Growth Art Gallery, where my friend works. I'll post a picture of it when I get one. I have always thought this was a beautiful holiday celebrating peoples' loved ones and a way to keep them with us.

Holidays Without Ned

2008-10-30T09:15:00.000-07:00

You read about the holidays being a difficult time for people and yes, I've experienced the stress of self-imposed consumerism ("What am I going to buy for Aunt so and so to show that I love her?"), but now I know the bottomless pit of sorrow that people face having to deck the halls and cook turkeys and all that crap when they are feeling, well, like crap!

Maybe I'm obsessing about it a little too much! For the November holidays, Mom and Dad will be driving up to Nancy's in Smith River near Crescent City. Vicki is not sure what she will do and neither are we. It would be good to be all together, but at the same time, nothing is the same and maybe it is ok to just mark that difference by doing something completely different.

After selling Uhuru Pies (you can buy yours today), maybe I'll go to the sunrise ceremony at Alcatraz. The American Indian Movement occupied the abandoned remains of Alcatraz prison for 18 months as a public statement against the U.S. policy towards indigenous peoples. Every year they have this "Unthanksgiving" sunrise ceremony. I think it is really a prayer (that in my view should go with activism) for a better world with the peoples who took care of these lands. Anyone want to go? It's on Thursday, November 27th really, really early.

Halloween

2008-10-27T13:02:00.001-07:00

I know I have posted this before but this costume that Ned put together takes the cake! He wore it to a Halloween party we had two years ago. Ned loved Halloween!

Car Accident Was Real - Vicki & Shaan Are Fine

2008-10-24T11:23:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

Vicki and Shaan did get in an accident, a very frightening one. I should have clarified since some people thought that it was part of my dream or nightmare.

Anyhow, on October 5th, Vicki and Shaan were driving home from Mom and Dad's and were on 580 near Dublin/Pleasanton and a teenager who was driving recklessly hit them in the back and caused them to spin out from lane 4 to the fast lane where they ended up facing oncoming traffic. A big truck stopped just in time.

They are ok, just shaken up. Also, the car which had been Vicki's brother's Praneel's (who died in a car accident in 2003) which then became Ned and Vicki's has 10k worth of damage. I'm guessing that the frame was damaged. She is upset about that too cuz she doesn't want to let go of that car for obvious reasons...

Anyhow, that's the real deal and just makes driving around in metal boxes at high speeds seem to be that much more dangerous than it did before October 5th. Anything can happen is what it tells us. Plan for tomorrow but live for today too!

Holidays

2008-10-24T06:50:00.000-07:00

Having the holidays come up is really stressing me out. I know people always say that this is the hardest time when you experience a loss in your family. I can't imagine it getting harder than it has already been!

Ron found a "Curious George" CD that Ned burned for us whenever that was when it came out. It had fallen behind the computer desk. All Jack Johnson. Really sweet, mellow, calming and comforting songs. I wish I could just stay calm about everything. Vicki mentioned that maybe she'd just work through the holidays although I think she was only half serious. Nancy is seven hours away and I don't know if she can come down here or we need to go up there.

What I'd really like to do is to have a cookbook release party for the Ned "Superman" Snyder Cookbook (I think the book will be ready). Mom liked the idea. People can make their dish from the cookbook or just come to eat. I can bring Uhuru Pies to it that people can order ahead of time. I have brought them to our family holidays every year and Ned enjoyed these pies for the past sixteen years. There's sweet potato, pecan, blackberry, apple, pumpkin and we even have vegan pumpkin this year (really yummy!) Take a look. It's a way to bring social change and justice to the holiday table, especially during these trying economic times. Better yet, sell 10 at your office and we will deliver them and I'll be your best friend!

Mom's Birthday

2008-10-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

It's Mom's birthday today. It was good to see her giggling like a school girl at the breakfast following her 50th high school reunion on last weekend. Today she is going to her volunteer shift at The Happy Dragon thrift shop in Los Gatos. Of course this is a hard birthday for her without her son calling. I just hope that she can be overwhelmed with pride at what a great job she did at raising her son. If anyone would like to give her a special call on her 68th birthday, you can email me at snyderstade@sbcglobal.net for her phone number. She would love to hear from all of you, even a day or two late.

Sixth Month Anniversary

2008-10-18T07:39:00.000-07:00

Every time I use the word "anniversary" for something tragic, I hesitate. Normally we use the word to mark a celebration of the date of a marriage. In French the word "anniversaire" means birthday. So to use it in this way to mark the six month anniversary of Ned (and Dave's) accident feels counterintuitive.

Also, you don't normally mark the month anniversary of anything, except for the age of small children. We mark a child's age before he or she is two years old by the months. Each month is a new miracle of life. After you become familiar with children, you can look at a baby and sometimes you think, "Oh, that baby is three months old." Because you can see the beginnings of a conscious smile on the little face.

So this is my first experience of wanting to mark the month anniversaries of something painful. The shock of Ned's accident feels as terrible today as it did on April 18th, 2008. But somehow, with each month, something is emerging, something new is being born. This is a painful birth, and I'm not sure how long the gestation has to last, how often the morning sickness, cramps and nausea is supposed to come, nor how long or painful the labor with be. This is a new kind of being.

I am struggling to find the words for it, but I think that it part of this process of keeping Ned's spirit alive. Being responsible enough to the face the pain of death with the joy of life and embrace it all.

My son Aaren has been struggling since the start of second grade this year. (Dad said he actually cut school in the second grade and answered the phone when the principal called home! That made me feel better.) Nothing terrible has happened, but he has disrupted P.E. and music class and he made some girls cry ;) He is also overwhelmed by the quietness and stillness of the classroom, having to sit there all day and having to produce reading, writing and arithmetic and keep up with the other kids. I can see in his eyes and through his tears that he is being challenged by life.

Aaren's struggles are normal, but a mom friend mentioned she thought that what Aaren was going through a lot and whatever he was going through was very deep. It occurred to me then that Aaren was not only going through his own grieving process, but also was being affected profoundly by mine.

That night when we were doing our bedtime reading, Aaren said, "You could die from anything. You could die from falling on a pencil and then smashing your head on the ground." I agreed with him and asked him what he thought happened after you die. He said, "I think you float around in outer space. Or, I think you go to China on the other side of the earth." Then he said, "Maybe Uncle Ned is floating up above China."

So I'm thinking of this sad sixth month anniversary as a turning point signaling a time to move forward and instead of being held down in sorrow with this loss, having the spirit of Ned lift us up to embrace life, for our kids, for our community, for our world.

a Dream: Phonecall from Ned from the Next Cubicle

2008-10-17T09:22:00.000-07:00

I had a dream about Ned the night before last. Since we have been watching episodes of "The Office," the dream took place in a bland looking office. Ned was in the cubicle next to me, separated by a high counter that I could still see over. He was sitting in a chair at a desk and called me on his phone. I picked up and we talked for a little bit. I could see him and hear him but we still used the black office phones to communicate. He listened as I told him about how everyone was doing. He already knew that Vicki and Shaan had been in a harrowing car accident Sunday night and that they were alright. He knew that we were all having a difficult time, in our own ways, in carrying on. I told him that we missed him a lot. He got teary eyed and couldn't really say anything but I could feel how much he missed all of us. He expressed his understanding with, "I know. I know.." I remember thinking that it was just so good to hear his voice and that I wanted to soak it in and keep it close to my heart. Then he abruptly said, "I've got to get going. I have a lot to do."

Before he hung up he explained to me how the phones worked. He could call me, but I couldn't call him. (same as in the other dream). I told him to call again soon. He kind of looked like he did in this picture - not with the dopey "I just had a couple beers" grin, but his eyes were red and kind of faded in the same way. Even though I could see his image, I knew he wasn't physically there to reach over and touch. It was almost, I suppose, like it is for people visiting their loved ones in prison. They become an image behind glass and your connection becomes a voice on the other end of the line. It was still good to see him though and to hear his voice, so vivid, so strong. I wonder what he had to do?

Cookbook in Production

2008-10-08T23:38:00.000-07:00

There are a few spaces left for recipes, but we are getting it done! We need a few more pictures....

Something I will put in the book:

It's funny because I can't remember my brother Ned ever cooking when we were all growing up. However, as an adult, he became a master chef and a real foodie! He also set a great example as a husband and a dad preparing meals with ease after a busy workday.

Ned combined the inventiveness of my mom's cooking with my dad's artistry. He was all about the details of the presentation. When we surprised my parents for their 40th wedding anniversary at the hosue, Ned took care to add every last flower petal and fold every last napkin to make it a beautifully catered affair.

Not all the family recipes made it into the cookbook. However, I know that many will enjoy these recipes as a tribute to Ned. I want to thank cousin Debbie for pulling it together and giving us all a way to remember Ned as we celebrate life through wonderful and delicious food.

We all thank Ned for sharing with us his culinary talents. His spirit lives on in our kitchens!

Recipes for the Superman Cookbook

2008-10-02T11:45:00.000-07:00

Our amazing cousin Debbie Snyder has been working tirelessly to put the Superman cookbook together. I just wanted to let people know that they have three more days (until Sunday, October 5th) to submit recipes. I have all my recipes out (scattered throughout the kitchen much to my husband Ron's dismay) and I have more to put in. I want to put in recipes for dishes I made for Ned, I wanted to make for Ned, recipes for dishes that I have never made but want to make. Cooking is about taking care of people and about life and that's what Ned was about!

I encourage you to submit a recipe (yes, you can submit an alcoholic drink as there is a beverage section). It could be vegetarian or vegan. It could be on the cutting edge of culinary medicine or it could be sinfully fattening - whatever.

Just go to www.typeandsave.com

username: superman38

password: chywc

Even if you are not a cook, you can contribute something. Hell, you eat, right???

So, go to the above web page, log in and find a recipe that you would have enjoyed with Ned and you want to enjoy now and in the future!

Ned "Superman" Snyder Wristbands Available

2008-09-23T14:34:00.000-07:00

Ned's dear friend Matt Menard made Ned "Superman" Snyder wristbands about three months ago now and I've neglected to offer them for sale on this blog. I'm sorry Matt! Please email me your address at snyderstade@sbcglobal.net if you would like a wristband. You can make a donation of $2 on up to support Shaan's college fund. They are red and they show up best if you color in the writing with a black Sharpie! As soon as I find the cord that goes to my camera, I will model one on my wrist so you can see what they look like.

Memorial for Ned at the Clearlake Splash-in

2008-09-22T09:52:00.000-07:00

There are more pictures to share but here is the first one - Logan doing a jump displaying from his foot a Superman flag in honor of Ned. He spent sleepless nights last week on the sewing machine.

Thanks to Logan for this OVER THE TOP (as Dad said) feat (and he landed on his feet too!)

Thanks to Terry for the memorial that she planned and so graciously led.

Thanks to Chuck Kimes of the Clearlake Splash-in for making the memorial possible and for the great event that reminded us why Ned loved seaplanes!

Thanks to everyone else, Dan for driving, Mom and Dad for everything, the Benkelmans for letting us take over their house and Vicki for suggesting that we go every year (Ned would have).

The 18th Hole in Our Hearts

2008-09-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

Today, September 18th is the fifth month mark since Ned's accident. This number will always be imprinted in my memory with its terrible significance. Here are the various cultural meanings ascribed to the number eighteen according to Wikipedia, where I get all my information ;):

The Hindu epic Mahabharata has eighteen sections, involves eighteen armies and is about a war fought over eighteen days.
The sacred literature of the Hindus known as Bhagavad Gita has eighteen chapters.
In some countries the number 18 means blood (relative).
The Hebrew word for "life" is חי (chai), which has a numerical value of 18. Consequently, the custom has arisen in Jewish circles to give donations and monetary gifts in multiples of 18 as an expression of blessing for long life.
In Chinese tradition, the number 18, normally 十八 (shí bā), can also be read as 幺八 (yāo bā), which sounds like 要发 (yào fā), meaning that one is going to prosper. Thus, building floors numbered "18" are often very expensive in China.
In the Chinese mythos, Hell has 18 levels.
In Chinese folklore, the Shaolin temple had a group of 18 Bronze Monks. Initiates could only be considered full graduates of Shaolin martial arts if they could defeat them in combat.
In many parts of the world, 18 is the age minimum for purchasing tobacco and alcoholic beverages. It is also the voting age in many countries. During the Vietnam War, Americans could be drafted at an age as low as 18.
In 1990 Megadeth released Hangar 18 as a single for the Rust in Piece Album.
A 2002 album by electronic artist Moby.
The number of holes in a stipulated round of golf.

Everyday Thoughts of Ned

2008-09-13T17:44:00.001-07:00

It's both comforting and heartbreaking to look at all the pictures of Ned with his family that I have stored in my computer. Shortly after the accident, I greedily copied all the images that I could find from Ned and Vicki's computer, from my dad's computer, and also from Ned's own digital camera. I've been ravaging the boxes and crates full of pictures kept carelessly in our basement, looking for Ned. I was thrilled even to come across Ned's face in the background of a picture, and pulled it out to cherish, as though he were a movie star.

Sometimes it is hard to know what to do with the ongoing, unrelenting, monotonous grief and how to live with it on a daily basis. We get busy with our lives and experience many joys - Jasmine's in a rock band, Aaren's taking a skateboard class, Dad's training for a bike race, Mom is working out and on the interviewing circuit, and then some nights, there is that dull ache that nothing can cure except sleep. That's what also what makes it harder to write on the blog, not wanting to sound redundant, but also wanting to keep the images, memories, spirit of Ned in front of us.

Looking at these pictures is a way of saying hello to Ned's spirit for a minute. And although at times it makes me weep, it is probably the best thing to do to bring on the tears from time to time. I have a picture of Ned that I don't know where I got, but he is in his pilot's uniform with a sky blue background. I guess it must have been taken for his SkyWest I.D. He looks otherworldly, different from how I ever remembered him looking, as though he was about to be transported up into the stratosphere. I like it because it has that haunting quality, but in a good way, almost like he is looking out for us. I put the picture on the nightstand by our bed so the kids and I can say goodnight to him (as I know Vicki and Shaan say goodnight to his picture). For some reason I haven't put the picture in a frame, so the other night I grabbed it to use as a bookmark. My son Aaren thought that was funny that Ned was helping me remember where I'd left off in my book. Thanks Ned for your help. With your spirit with us, we can carry on.

Memorial for Ned at the Clearlake Splashin

2008-09-06T00:10:00.000-07:00

All Ned's friends and family are invited to the Clearlake Splash-in being held on Friday, September 19th.

Ned attended last year and was planning on going this year too. There will be many people who knew him there and shared his enthusiasm for seaplanes. There will be a memorial for Ned on Friday, September 19th at 6pm at the Natural High School field followed by a concert and a dinner.

Little Ned

2008-09-04T20:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Ned

2008-08-31T15:35:00.000-07:00

As the eye of Hurricane Gustav ebbs closer to New Orleans, already having taken the lives of a couple dozen people in Haiti, I think about one of our last conversations. We were in the hot tub outside in the beautiful snow of Lake Tahoe at the cabin that Dad rented to celebrate his 70th birthday. You were telling me about Terry and the new business. You were telling me about marrying your friend Alistair. You were asking me about the Uhuru Movement and commenting on the way that African people had been dogged out for the past two years since Hurricane Katrina. I felt so close to you then. I felt that we were at a new beginning of understanding each other. We were no longer the older sister and younger brother but we were family who deeply loved each other relating to each other about what made each of us tick. I didn't quite understand your passion for flying seaplanes. You didn't really understand my commitment to the Uhuru Movement, but there we were, wanting to relate to each other, wanting to support one another in our dreams, in our aspirations.

Ned, I want you to know that your family and friends continue to miss you everyday. The kids and I just spent the night at Mom and Dad's and you were there - at the Eastman's party, swimming in the pool, walking on the horse trail, lying on the couches watching the tube, making eggs for breakfast table covered with today's, yesterday's and news from the day before.

The stacks of sympathy cards are still strewn about the house, your picture with dad and the plane sits on top of the mantle in the family room. You are there and will always be there.

I was looking at your high school graduation picture in the hallway at home. How skinny you were! And what a little boy - so different from the great man that you became (filling out a bit!). I was wondering what I was doing. Our lives have been so individualistic. I hate the society that we live in for that. I miss the time that I would have, should have and could have spent with you had I not been so wrapped up in my own individual life trying to figure things out, I thought I had to, on my own..

Last night Ron went to a party and some Samoan women sang in beautiful harmony the Rainbow song as Iz sang it and as we attempted to sing it for you. He sat down to cry for missing you as a brother, someone he was looking forward to sharing fatherhood with...
This song that you loved that we sang for you is about a better world, which I don't believe has to be in the afterlife. Many people are struggling for a better world now. If you listen to Iz songs, he talks about how life was unnecessarily hard in Hawaii. How his father didn't have to die of a heart attack. Hell, he didn't have to die of obesity, but used food, as many do, as an escape from reality.

I think Mom and Dad are doing o.k. Dad is always busy but he is so aware of what he is going through too. Mom is trying, as I am too, to put our loss in the context of the loss that so many people experience as a fact of life. That doesn't make it easier but it helps to keep us going in a certain way and lift us out of our experience as an individual.

There was an article in the San Jose Mercury News that I read this morning about the small plane crashes recently. It kind of made me mad though because it didn't attempt to analyze anything and didn't really shed light on anything either...I want to be able to go to Cherry Lake and understand something of what happened that day. I will talk to the people who live near there. I will listen to the wind, the river, the trees, everything..this will help me understand what happened to you.

I love you Ned and I hope that you forgive me for not expressing it to you enough. You are my little brother and you will always have a special place in my heart that no one else can touch. I look forward to hanging out with many of your friends and some of your new acquaintances up at the Clearlake Spashin on September 19th. I want to understand how much you loved the seaplanes even though that is what ended your too short life.

Give strength to the people in the Gulf Coast and I hope that they weather the storm. I believe that the global awakening of African people and people throughout Asia and Latin America to control their own resources is the storm that is coming. It will interrupt Obama's myth of a post racial America just as it is interrupting the GOP convention. I believe that we shouldn't be afraid of the coming storm but will have to ride it out. This storm will transform the world for the better. I believe that Ned would have understood that too. Thanks Ned for keeping it real. We all miss you and are pissed that you had to leave us!!! Your family and friends are carrying on though with your powerful spirit with us.

Love,
Wendy

Through Ned's Eyes.

2008-08-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

It was beautiful on the pond yesterday--the geese and swans quietly drifting about, and the sunlight dancing on the nearly still water was almost mesmerizing. The old oak trees kept watch over the fishermen, and the presence of Ned was there, keeping watch over everything. It was a painting, worthy of a museum, but even Monet could not have rendered it with any justice.

Following a short preflight, and some dialogue of the ensuing flight, we (Terry & I), cast off, and drifted from the shoreline. Mixture rich, flaps set, water rudders down, and with a twist of the mag key, the engine sputtered to life. The nearby waterfowl didn't flinch, as the floatplane moved forward across the liquid runway. It was almost as though an old friend had come to revisit them, and the unity was perfect. Following an engine run-up, and some observations of the surroundings, full power was applied, and the aircraft gently transitioned from the water to its second residence in the sky.

The next few hours were spent splashing and soaring, flying and sailing, and Ned's vision had been made perfectly clear once again--I understood exactly why he wanted to do this.

I left the airport that afternoon with a freshly minted seaplane rating, and a real sense that Ned was watching over us--smiling with approval, and giddy that his life's dream had not been abandoned. I'd like to thank Ray & Terry, Mike, the folks at Bigfoot Aviation, (the new operators of Norcal); all the friends and family who continue to support the cause, and especially Vicky, (the most devoted Wife and partner I've ever known). But more than anything, I want to thank Ned, for being the inspiration behind all this, and the best friend a guy could ever have--this was for you Bago. Logan.

Norcal Aviation is Back in Business!

2008-08-17T15:46:00.001-07:00

Dear Friends,

As Ned would have wanted, Norcal Aviation will resume its seaplane courses and training from the Calaveras County Airport in San Andreas, CA providing basic and advanced seaplane instruction and other services on Monday, August 18th, 2008.

Seaplane operations will be provided by Bigfoot Air LLC doing business as Norcal Aviation. Come get your feet wet!

Keeping the dream alive!

Norcal Aviation
3600 Carol Kennedy Drive
San Andreas, CA 95249
PH: 209-736-4554
Email: norcalaviation@aol.com
www.norcalaviation.com
"The Sky is no limit, just a beginning!"
In Memory of Ned Snyder

Hi Ned

2008-08-16T07:51:00.000-07:00

Ned is with me this morning, just as clear as he was in my dreams. I'm playing "In Between Dreams" by Jack Johnson. I used to think Jack Johnson was just o.k., but now he has Ned written all over him. Every word is a word that Ned listened to and I know loved. In my dreams we were having a party at my parents' place and there were people everywhere drinking, eating and laughing. He was there but then he wasn't. I turned to my mom and asked her, "Where's Ned?" And she laughed and reminded me, but she wasn't upset because all the people were around somehow making him present. I think this image of my mom surrounded and comforted by love for Ned was prompted by a picture that Dan Rau sent of my parents having dinner with Dan, Logan and Vince. I know it gives them a lot of comfort to be around Ned's friends. I wish they could be around more often.

It's coming up on the four month anniversary which is beyond belief. Dan Rau sent me pictures of the crash site (without the plane). Cherry Lake is breathtakingly beautiful. I really appreciate that Dan Rau, Dan Han, Logan and Vince went up there to leave the headstone for Ned and Dave Cunningham. Even though Ned's ashes were spread in another river, his presence is up there too. Sometime soon I want to go up there, with my parents and Vicki, and see what Ned saw.

Ned in Our Midst

2008-08-10T21:18:00.000-07:00

The little that I have learned about the Hindu faith through Vicki and my own readings, the more I really want to learn. Although Ned grew up as I did, without a religious practice, it was through our parents' love of life, people, music, laughter, nature and family that we were taught spiritual and moral values. They taught us spirituality without explicitly teaching it.

Ned was an incredibly spiritual person who respectfully and openly tried to understand and embrace the Hindu faith and incorporate it into his life to a degree.

Vicki believes that she will see Ned when she leaves this life. I want to believe that too; however, I guess I haven't accepted that I won't see him in this life. I know she hasn't either and that's what gives us such great pain. I think the fact that he is gone will take the whole of our lifetimes to accept. Like most of us, we want to see him and experience him, be with him, now.

Although we can no longer be with Ned in his bodily form, I do believe that he is still here. He hasn't really left us. In this way, just like my Yoga teacher explained, the Hindu belief in reincarnation is much like the first law in thermodynamics: "In any process, the total energy of the universe remains the same."

It can also be defined as:
"The First Law states that energy cannot be created or destroyed; rather, the amount of energy lost in a steady state process cannot be greater than the amount of energy gained."

Ned's being is part of our universe. He is not gone, but has just taken on another form. He is floating down the rivers of the Sierra Nevadas, commingling with the flora and fauna there. the beautiful rose petals that we picked from our neighbor's garden to spread with his ashes are with him, as is his dog Klaus. In this way, science and spiritual understandings come together. I do believe in a kind of reincarnation. But for me, Ned's spirit comes through just about any place, any time and anywhere. I don't know exactly how, but it just does. It's very present and tangible.

Here's a spiritual song by Coldplay that makes Ned present for me.

Fix You

by Coldplay

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Whatever It Takes

2008-08-06T11:38:00.000-07:00

Right now I am aggressively and avidly looking for a job. Not just any job, but something where I can show off all my talents, make some real money and still have time for my family and my political and community work. I'm inspired by this picture and by my brother. He is so much a part of me, so much that I was too stupid to even realize.

This is a picture of him with other buddies - Ryan Donahue, Pete Olson and one other - schmoozing with Southwest Airlines folks. I remember him telling me how they painted their faces with the Southwest colors. Ned applied multiple times and I know for certain that he interviewed twice with Southwest and really wanted to get that job. The stability of it, the great reputation of the company - they would have loved him! But for whatever reason Ned was rejected by them twice. So, he followed his dreams to buy a seaplane business. But, we all have the heart wrenching feeling of "what if?" He would probably have still been alive had he gotten hired by Southwest! Those mother%&*#!ers!

But, Vicki confirmed with me that the timing wasn't right for Southwest with little Shaan coming, and Ned's heart (his spirit was though) wasn't really into it. So, his pursuit of the seaplane business was a real dream that he went for.

I'm inspired by Ned today to do what it takes to go for my dreams. For me, right now, this means being able to support my family with a full time job and to organize solidarity with the Uhuru Movement, which, by the way, has been in the national news. Yea!!

Messages from Ned

2008-08-05T08:29:00.000-07:00

Everyday those of us who still can't believe that Ned is gone look for signs of him. They show up everywhere - on the radio, in our mocha drinks, in our dreams. Last night I had a dream where Ned had left multiple messages to my parents on the old school multi-purpose fax/answering machine in my dad's office. They were so happy to hear his voice, which sounded calm, peaceful, even joyful, but they were frustrated as hell that they couldn't call him back!

The message I try to receive from Ned everyday is one of living life to the fullest. That's what everyone knows he was about. He was about connecting with his friends, being there for his family and laughing at all of life's crazy moments.

Summertime Fun

2008-07-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

Today I'm taking the kids to some water slides in Pleasanton. Since I'm at home with the kids this summer (like the last two summers), it feels like the summertime of my childhood, except that the Oakland summers are sucky cold and the San Jose/Los Gatos summers were hot!

That's why today we are headed East to find the heat and slide on our butts and have fun! I'm reminded of the summers playing for hours in my parents' pool in Monte Sereno and also going back to Ruby Avenue when we used to make whirlpools and "tidal waves" in the doughboy pool in the backyard. Here we are enjoying the summer. I imagine I'm looking at Nancy about to do a handstand or summersault or something. Those were the days and those are the memories that I cherish and relive while playing with my kids in the water in the summertime. Doesn't Ned look chill?

I am Superman!

2008-07-18T07:57:00.000-07:00

I sat down this morning to write something on the blog and wasn't sure what I'd write on this three month mark since the accident. Just as I sat down, on comes the song, "I am Superman" by R.E.M. It made me laugh out loud. Strange coincidence? Or did Ned communicate with the KFOG deejays to make sure that song got played so I would hear it and laugh out loud and make you do so too?

Ok, believe what you want. Whatever it was, it made me happy and smile thinking of my brother. This is the same "I-see-the-clown" feeling that Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn, the author of The Empty Room writes about. I feel a wonderful connection to her since I read her book, wrote about it on this blog, and then she wrote to me! Check out her blog. Again, she wrote a beautiful book about sibling loss and her experience as the sister of "the boy in the plastic bubble." It is also a book about loss, period, that everyone should read.

So as we look for auditory and spectral signs of Ned in our daily lives we can feel less lonely and we can miss him a little less for at least a moment. Live on Ned "Superman" Snyder!

Here's the song that I heard this morning (the video is kind of fun to watch too).

P.S. It would be awesome to have a still shot of Ned doing the Superman pose while skydiving, not that I want to promote skydiving since it scares the heck out of me, but that was Ned. Logan, in your spare time can you get that still shot? ;) Actually the video footage set to the various Superman songs would be even better!

In the Backyard with Ned

2008-07-13T07:11:00.000-07:00

I started writing this while sitting in Ned and Vicki's backyard on a cool Sunday morning.

On Saturday night Vicki and I got a chance to hang out in the hammock while the kids were swimming and talk about Ned and she laughed about him cursing trying to cut the branch off the palm tree, giving up and then trying again and doing it. She told me how she would surprise him by mowing the lawn in the backyard before he got home. Many times Ned, Vicki and Shaan would all climb into the hammock and play.

Later on Sunday morning, Shaan squatted by the palm tree and grimaced. Vicki quickly lifted him up onto the kid pottie stationed outside the sliding glass door to the bedroom and found a quiet corner for him where he made his first production there. We yelled over to Ned about it. I imagine Ned hanging out near the hammock and smiling, unable to respond in earthly ways but over there feeling proud of his son and of us.

Ned and Vicki

2008-07-08T07:00:00.001-07:00

It's been a month since the party at the house and many people felt Ned was there watching us celebrate his life. I like to think that too and I really don't care if it is true or not, I just like to keep thinking that he is watching all of us and is feeling some kind of comfort in the spirit world that we are remembering him and struggling to go forward at the same time.

In the picture, Vicki and Ned are at my folks' home where the party was held. I don't know where they are going or where they have been, but they sure look beautiful! Vicki and I sat last week at the table behind where they are standing in the picture and told me about some of her dreams of Ned. She has such clarity in the midst of this tragedy. I really admire her and love her so much! She is pushing forward although I know it is so very difficult. Little Shaan pretty much demands her attention all the time. Her sister is there at pretty much every step with concrete support.

We have to keep on celebrating life and know that Ned will always be a part of every celebration with us, even if it is taking a moment to throw a football around with his son.

Football Season?

2008-07-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

The other day I had a dream, and shared it with Ned's sister, Wendy--she thought I should post it on here.

Ned and I were dressed in very casual attire, and sitting in the flight deck of a larger aircraft, (maybe a B757, or something). By casual, I mean shorts, sandals, and Hawaiian shirts. Ned was in the left seat, of course, and I had my feet propped up on the instrument panel from the right. We were eating chips and salsa, and sipping frozen margaritas, (this made me more aware that it was just a dream). We were chatting it up about old friends, when Ned reached to the left side of his seat, and withdrew a football--the same beat-to-shit old Wilson football we would throw around in the park across from his house.

He turned to me with that little mischievous look, (we all know the one), and hinted, "Dude, go long." I stood from my seat, opened the cockpit door, and strolled to the back of the completely empty aircraft. Still holding the margarita in his left hand, he tossed the ball aft, where I was waiting to receive, (also with drink in hand). We threw the ball back and forth maybe 30 times, just laughing, and that was when I had to tell myself to stay asleep. It was a dream, I knew it was, and I just wanted to stay there as long as I could.

I've had a ton of recurring nightmares since Ned left us almost 3 months ago, but this is a vision that I could revisit a million times, and wake up happy from forever.

I love you Bago. Life seems so empty now, and I miss you very much my Brother.

Cheers Buddy,

Logan

P.S. There was another dream I recently had, while staying overnight at Ned's parent's house. It was odd, to say the least--Jasmine and her Bro, (Wendy's kids), were poised at the breakfast table, stuffing envelopes with spaghetti. I asked if it would be OK to join them, and they had me pull up a chair. Not sure what this means, but if any of you have insight into this, or understand the dynamics of dreams, please feel free to enlighten. Maybe I was just hungry.

A Call for Recipes for the Ned "Superman" Cookbook!

2008-07-01T08:18:00.001-07:00

As people know, Ned loved to cook and he loved to eat! Although we can't see what he's cooking in this picture, he is in my mom's kitchen at Christmas doing something amazing to the mushrooms, asparagus, the turkey or the potatoes, or all five.

Cousin Debbie Snyder Rotter has initiated the Ned "Superman" Cookbook and we have set a deadline of July 15th to get all the recipes in. Everyone must think about their favorite recipes to submit - as many as you would like. This could be a family favorite, something that you made for Ned, something that you would have made for Ned just because you know he would have loved your good food!

This will be a beautiful cookbook with pictures and dedications. It will be something that you will want to proudly display in your kitchen, use it as a great excuse to talk about Ned when guests are over and give as gifts during the holiday season. Let's get it done!

Recipe submission is simple:

Go to www.typensave.com
Click on the "Login" button at the top of the page
Type in your name under "Contributor" or whomever is contributing the recipe
Type in "Superman38" for the login and "chywc" for the password
Click on "Add Recipe" at the bottom of the page (in small print)
Use the pulldown menus to type in the ingredients, the recipe instructions and notes.
Feel free to write something in the notes about why you are submitting the recipe

Alternately, you can type in the recipe and email it to me at snyderstade@sbcglobal.net and my 11 year old daughter Jasmine can submit it for you ;)

Or, send it to 4925 Clarke St., Oakland, CA 94609 with a check for $15 for administrative costs (just kidding).

I Dream of You...Wish You Were Here

2008-06-28T03:16:00.000-07:00

I went to sleep last night looking forward to dreaming of free flying across the land the way that people dream when we are children. When I was a child, I used to have these kinds of dreams. I had a special white shirt (in my waking life) with thin multicolored stripes on it almost like a pixie stick candy wrapper, the colorfully striped paper sticks with the sugar in it. In my dreams, I would put on this shirt and take to the skies, using my arms as wings.

Last night in a short dream I didn't dream about flying, but we are on a mountain road, winding our way around through some kind of canyon that was spotted with oak trees. We stopped, not sure of where we were going, but sure at the same time. We hiked down to a kind of boathouse near the river. Ned was there getting some boats ready, digging out some oars from some storage closets, getting us lifejackets, whatever it was that we needed. It was so wonderful to see him. He didn't stop from what he was doing to say much but he smiled and said a few mumbled words.

I just stood there and watched him flurry around all the while telling him that he had actually died. I remember saying it to remind myself of that fact. He didn't seem to pay attention. I woke up shortly after that with a sense of calm happiness for having had him in my dream. I hope that I get to dream often and maybe that will help me look forward to sleep.

Thanks Logan for talking about dreams and for playing Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd on my dad's guitar. You really should get your own guitar again.

P.S.

I feel terrible that I am behind on the cookbook and t-shirt stuff, but July 7th (one month after Ned's birthday) is my deadline, so please be patient with me. Matt, thanks for the wristbands - Ned Superman Snyder wristbands are available too! I'll make a proper post when it isn't 3 in the morning!

Klaus

2008-06-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

Ned's dog Klaus followed him in leaving life on Earth.

I just came across my last birthday card signed by Ned for Vicki, Shaan, Klaus and Rufus (the cat). He was very much a part of the family. This is a picture that Ned took of Klaus sometime in the last several months.